BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.
WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".
Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".
Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".
Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"
My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.
Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".
Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".
Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".
Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".
Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".
Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."
25 Reasons I Owe my mother or dad
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mot her taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10 My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mot her taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10 My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
Children Joke Collection #1
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat.
She asked him if it was dead or alive.
"Dead." She was informed.
"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
_________________________________________________
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....
"Da-ad...."
"What?
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later:
"Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......
"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
________________________________________________
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
_________________________________________________
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."
_________________________________________________
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and,as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
_________________________________________________
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said,"Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
_________________________________________________
A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
_________________________________________________
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.
She read, "...and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy crap! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes
She asked him if it was dead or alive.
"Dead." She was informed.
"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
_________________________________________________
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....
"Da-ad...."
"What?
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later:
"Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......
"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
________________________________________________
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
_________________________________________________
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."
_________________________________________________
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and,as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
_________________________________________________
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said,"Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
_________________________________________________
A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
_________________________________________________
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.
She read, "...and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy crap! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes
The Perfect Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealer and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, go ahead, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he smiles and asks,
"Anyone knows who this phone belongs to?" !!!!!!!!!
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealer and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, go ahead, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he smiles and asks,
"Anyone knows who this phone belongs to?" !!!!!!!!!
Pinoy Joke Collection #8
Hinalik-halikan ni mister nang buong lambing ang balikat ni misis…
MISTER: Hon, sige na…
MISIS: Bumabagyo!
MISTER: Ayaw mo ‘yun, malamig?!
MISIS: Tanga! Hindi ka na nahiya?! Maraming tao dito sa evacuation center!
***
IQ TEST
#1 Magkaaway kayo ng kaibigan mo. Ano ang gagawin mo para maibalik ang dating sigla ng Mindanao ?
#2 Naiwan mo ang ID mo. Ano ang sasabihin mo sa security guard para i-add ka niya sa friendster?
#3 Sa kalagayan ng gobyerno natin ngayon, may pag-asa pa bang lumaki ang size ng pasas?
#4 Oo o hindi… ano ang nararamdaman mo ngayon?
#5 Libing ng aso mo. Eh may outing ang barkada. Ano ang una mong isusuot… pantalon o T-shirt?
NO REPLY, NO IQ!
***
“Kung hindi mo ‘ko kayang seryosohin, ngayon pa lang, itigil na natin ‘to!” – PAG-AARAL
***
Sikat na sikat na mga kamag-anak ni Bob Ong…
“Huwag kang mag-inarte kapag wala ka nang makain.” – BAGO ONG
“Hindi porke’t nabali ang isa ay babaliin mo na rin ang kabila. Hindi maitatama ng isa pang pagkakamali ang isang pagkakamali.” – TAK ONG
***
Ayon sa DOH, iwasang magsuot ng ITIM o DARK COLORED na damit dahil nag-aanyaya ang mga ito sa mga lamok na carrier ng dengue.
DATI… hilo ang lamok sa BIKINING ITIM.
NGAYON… patay ang lamok sa BIKINING NANGINGITIM.
***
BOY GAGO…
Counterpart ni Lady Gaga.
***
Ang ipis ay tunay na lalaki.
Dahil tinitilian siya ng mga babae.
***
Tuwing nag-iisa ako, alam mo ba kung sino ang nasa isip ko?
Malamang, hindi, ‘di ba?
Ang galing mo naman kung alam mo!
***
It’s so hard to wait for the right person to come, especially if the wrong one is so hot.
***
Our prime purpose in this life is to love others.
But if you can’t love them, at least, make love with them.
***
Parang LBM pag nagmahal ako sa ‘yo…
Mahirap pigilan.
***
Hindi nagbabago ang tingin ko sa tao dahil galit o natutuwa ako sa kanila…
Nag-iiba ang tingin ko sa tao dahil nag-iiba rin kung ano ang ipinapakita nila.
***
Hala! May nakita akong patay kanina sa kalsada! Grabe!
Patay na patay sa ‘kin!
MISTER: Hon, sige na…
MISIS: Bumabagyo!
MISTER: Ayaw mo ‘yun, malamig?!
MISIS: Tanga! Hindi ka na nahiya?! Maraming tao dito sa evacuation center!
***
IQ TEST
#1 Magkaaway kayo ng kaibigan mo. Ano ang gagawin mo para maibalik ang dating sigla ng Mindanao ?
#2 Naiwan mo ang ID mo. Ano ang sasabihin mo sa security guard para i-add ka niya sa friendster?
#3 Sa kalagayan ng gobyerno natin ngayon, may pag-asa pa bang lumaki ang size ng pasas?
#4 Oo o hindi… ano ang nararamdaman mo ngayon?
#5 Libing ng aso mo. Eh may outing ang barkada. Ano ang una mong isusuot… pantalon o T-shirt?
NO REPLY, NO IQ!
***
“Kung hindi mo ‘ko kayang seryosohin, ngayon pa lang, itigil na natin ‘to!” – PAG-AARAL
***
Sikat na sikat na mga kamag-anak ni Bob Ong…
“Huwag kang mag-inarte kapag wala ka nang makain.” – BAGO ONG
“Hindi porke’t nabali ang isa ay babaliin mo na rin ang kabila. Hindi maitatama ng isa pang pagkakamali ang isang pagkakamali.” – TAK ONG
***
Ayon sa DOH, iwasang magsuot ng ITIM o DARK COLORED na damit dahil nag-aanyaya ang mga ito sa mga lamok na carrier ng dengue.
DATI… hilo ang lamok sa BIKINING ITIM.
NGAYON… patay ang lamok sa BIKINING NANGINGITIM.
***
BOY GAGO…
Counterpart ni Lady Gaga.
***
Ang ipis ay tunay na lalaki.
Dahil tinitilian siya ng mga babae.
***
Tuwing nag-iisa ako, alam mo ba kung sino ang nasa isip ko?
Malamang, hindi, ‘di ba?
Ang galing mo naman kung alam mo!
***
It’s so hard to wait for the right person to come, especially if the wrong one is so hot.
***
Our prime purpose in this life is to love others.
But if you can’t love them, at least, make love with them.
***
Parang LBM pag nagmahal ako sa ‘yo…
Mahirap pigilan.
***
Hindi nagbabago ang tingin ko sa tao dahil galit o natutuwa ako sa kanila…
Nag-iiba ang tingin ko sa tao dahil nag-iiba rin kung ano ang ipinapakita nila.
***
Hala! May nakita akong patay kanina sa kalsada! Grabe!
Patay na patay sa ‘kin!
Labels:
funny,
pinoy jokes,
tagalog
Some Definitions of Marriage
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Anonymous
Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Anonymous
The Boss
A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead:
"I'm afraid he died last week. " she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.
"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."
The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts:
"I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"
.
.
.
.
" Coz . . ." he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it. . .
"I'm afraid he died last week. " she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.
"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."
The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts:
"I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"
.
.
.
.
" Coz . . ." he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it. . .
Blood Test
Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.
"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.
"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.
"So? Are you afraid?"
"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.
Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"
To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!"
"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.
"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.
"So? Are you afraid?"
"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.
Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"
To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!"
Pay your bills
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by the King and Queen as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick . . .
The moral of the story - Pay your fuckin' bills.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by the King and Queen as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick . . .
The moral of the story - Pay your fuckin' bills.
Diary of a Six Day Bahamas Cruise
DEAR DIARY ... DAY ONE
My husband and I are all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.
DEAR DIARY .. DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. My husband spent most of the day gambling. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY ... DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited us to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman. My husband spent more time gambling.
DEAR DIARY ... DAY FOUR
Went to the ship's casino ... did OK .. won about $80. My husband wanted to stay and gamble more. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY ... DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled. My husband spent most of the night gambling.
DEAR DIARY ... DAY SIX- My husband spent most of the day gambling.
I saved 1600 lives today .... twice !!!!
My husband and I are all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.
DEAR DIARY .. DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. My husband spent most of the day gambling. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY ... DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited us to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman. My husband spent more time gambling.
DEAR DIARY ... DAY FOUR
Went to the ship's casino ... did OK .. won about $80. My husband wanted to stay and gamble more. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY ... DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled. My husband spent most of the night gambling.
DEAR DIARY ... DAY SIX- My husband spent most of the day gambling.
I saved 1600 lives today .... twice !!!!
Assorted Jokes #1
“Rape is Not a Crime”
Its just a “Surprise Sex”
|||| | |
Medical Science Says:
“Tight Clothing Slows Blood Circulation”
But the Truth is..
“Tighter The Woman’s Clothing,
Faster The Circulation Of MAN’s Blood” ;->
|||| | |
In school canteen,
there was a basket of apples with a written note:
“don’t take more than 1, God is watching!”
A little further there was a box of choclates,
a naughty child wrote:
“Take as many as u want. God is watching the apples”
|||| | |
8 year son: Dad what’s sex?
Dad gets tensed but explained everything.
Kid: But dad how do I write all that in this small box of admision form ?
|||| | |
A depressed boy asked an old man:
Is there anything worst than losing a girlfriend?
He replied: Yes, Losing your confidence of getting another one.
|||| | |
Virginity is
Neither a Dignity,
Nor a Security,
Nor Even a Sign of Purity,
Its just a…..
Lack of 0pportunity…”
”
|||| | |
Woman in bed with husband’s best friend.
phone rings,
Woman: Yes?.. Ok,.. fine,..bye.
Turns to her Lover and laughs;
My husband saying he is playing golf with you.
|||| | |
A criminal enter into bed room,
tied up husband & wife,
kissed wife’s ear & went to bathroom.
Husband told wife, “satisfy him or he will kill us, be strong I LOVE U”
Wife said “He didnt kiss me,
He whispered in my ear that he’s GAY ,
needs vaseline & I told him its in the bathroom.
So b strong, I LOVE [....]
|||| | |
A 5 year old boy,
while taking bath
and examining his testicles
Asks: ‘Mum, are these my brains?’
‘Not yet’, she replied.
Its just a “Surprise Sex”
|||| | |
Medical Science Says:
“Tight Clothing Slows Blood Circulation”
But the Truth is..
“Tighter The Woman’s Clothing,
Faster The Circulation Of MAN’s Blood” ;->
|||| | |
In school canteen,
there was a basket of apples with a written note:
“don’t take more than 1, God is watching!”
A little further there was a box of choclates,
a naughty child wrote:
“Take as many as u want. God is watching the apples”
|||| | |
8 year son: Dad what’s sex?
Dad gets tensed but explained everything.
Kid: But dad how do I write all that in this small box of admision form ?
|||| | |
A depressed boy asked an old man:
Is there anything worst than losing a girlfriend?
He replied: Yes, Losing your confidence of getting another one.
|||| | |
Virginity is
Neither a Dignity,
Nor a Security,
Nor Even a Sign of Purity,
Its just a…..
Lack of 0pportunity…”
”
|||| | |
Woman in bed with husband’s best friend.
phone rings,
Woman: Yes?.. Ok,.. fine,..bye.
Turns to her Lover and laughs;
My husband saying he is playing golf with you.
|||| | |
A criminal enter into bed room,
tied up husband & wife,
kissed wife’s ear & went to bathroom.
Husband told wife, “satisfy him or he will kill us, be strong I LOVE U”
Wife said “He didnt kiss me,
He whispered in my ear that he’s GAY ,
needs vaseline & I told him its in the bathroom.
So b strong, I LOVE [....]
|||| | |
A 5 year old boy,
while taking bath
and examining his testicles
Asks: ‘Mum, are these my brains?’
‘Not yet’, she replied.
Pinoy Jokes Collection #7
MAN1: nagagalit sakin misis ko kapag inuuwi ko sa bahay yung mga hindi ko natapos na trabaho.
MAN2: bakit, ano ba ang trabaho mo pare?
MAN1: embalsamador!
————
NURSE: nasa isip mo ba pamilya mo?
BALIW: siyempre man! OO!
[Nurse natuwa..]
NURSE: asan ba pamilya mo?
BALIW: nasa isip ko. Tanga ba you?
————
Si Mister nakita 3 butil ng bigas at 25pesos sa drawer ni Misis.
MR: ano to?
MRS: uhm honey, magtatapat na ko. Tuwing nagtataksil ako sayo naglalagay ako ng 1 butil ng bigas sa drawer.
MR: eh ano yang 25pesos?
MRS: nung naging 1 kilo ang bigas, binenta ko na. Sayang eh!
________
Kinuha ng isang Kanong Pari si Pacquiao as interpreter. .
Pari: The Lord was crucified between 2 robbers.
Pac: Si Hesus ay ipinako s gitna ng 2 goma.
Pari: We need to sacrifice.
Pac: Kailangan natin ng 2 sakong bigas.
Pari: If we do not repent,
Pac: Kapag hindi natin pininturahang muli,
Pari: Thewrath of God will come upon you.
Pac: Ang mga daga ng Diyos ay pupunta sayo.(nagtawanan)
Pari: Well.. Well..
Pac: Balon.. Balon..
____________
a nUrse came 2 vsit hs 3 mental patients
P1:(ngbbsa ng encyclopedia)
N:wow! improvng ka! dts gud.
P2:(ngbbsa ng dictionry)
N:cool! ipgp2loy mo lng yn.
P3:(nktyo s mesa w/arms wide open) "aq ang ilaw!"
N:hoy! bumba k nga jn. bka mhulog k. wla k p dn pgbbgo.(naupo c P3 s upuan)
P1 & P2: ay, brownout?
____________ _____
JOSE: Kumusta ang assignment?
RICK: Masama. Wala akong nasagutan. Blank paper ang ipinasa ko.
JOSE: Naku, ako rin! Paano 'yan? Baka isipin
nila, nagkopyahan tayo?!
------------ -----
TOTO: Pangarap ko, kumita ng P250,000 monthly gaya ni daddy!
JOVY: Wow! Ganyan kalaki ang kinikita ng daddy mo?
TOTO: Hindi! 'Yan din ang pangarap niya!
------------ -----
DOK: May taning na ang buhay mo.
JUAN: Wala na bang pag-asa? Ano po ba ang dapat kong gawin?
DOK: Mag-asawa ka na lang ng pangit at bungangera.
JUAN: Bakit, gagaling po ba ako ru'n?
DOK: Hindi, pero mas gugustuhin mo pang mamatay kesa mabuhay!
------------ ----
LITO: Pare, ano ba ang kaibahan ng H2O sa CO2?
JOSE: Diyos ko naman! Di mo ba alam 'yun?!
Ang H2O ay water! At ang CO2... COLD water.
------------ -----
”Gustong malaman ng magkaibigan kung may basketbolan sa langit.
Nagkasundo sila na kung sino ang unang mamatay ay babalik upang
sabihin kung may basketbol sa langit.
Naunang namatay si Dado.”
Isang gabi, may narinig na boses si Rodel na parang kay Dado.
"Ikaw ba 'yan, Dado?" usisa ni Rodel.
"Oo naman!" tugon ni Dado.
"Parang hindi totoo!" bulalas ni Rodel."O,ano, meron bang
basketball sa langit?"
Sagot ni Dado, "May maganda at masama akong
balita sa 'yo. Ang maganda, may basketbol doon. Ang masama...
kasali ka sa makakalaban namin bukas!" (ngek!)
------------ -----
Usapan ng dalawang bata...
JUNJUN: Magaling ang tatay ko! Alam mo'yang
Pacific Ocean , siya ang humukay nun!
PEDRO: Wala 'yan sa tatay ko! Alam mo yung Dead Sea ?
JUNJUN: Oo...
PEDRO: Siya ang pumatay nun!
------------ -----
STEWARDEES: Do you want a drink, sir?
SIR: What are my choices?
STEWARDEES: Yes or No.
------------ -----
MISIS: Hindi ko na kaya 'to! Araw-araw nalang tayong nag-aaway
Mabuti pa, umalis na ako sa bahay na 'to!
MISTER: Ako rin, sawang-sawa na! Away rito,away roon! Mabuti pa
siguro, sumama na ako sa 'yo!
------------ -----
Misis: Delayed ako nang one month pero huwag mo munang
ipagsabi.Nahihiya ako...
Mister: Okey.
(Kinabukasan, dumating Collector ng Meralco.) ..
COLLECTOR: Misis, delayed po kayo ng one month.
MISIS: Ha? Bakit mo alam?
COLLECTOR: Nasa record po.
MISTER: Bakit Naka-record diyan na delayed ang misis ko?
COLLECTOR: Kung gusto ninyong mawala sarecord, magbayad kayo!
MISTER: Eh kung ayokong magbayad?
COLLECTOR: Puputulan kayo!
MISTER: Eh anong gagamitin ni misis?
COLLECTOR: Pwede naman siyang gumamit ng kandila.
------------ -----
Advantage at disadvantage ng may-asawa...
ADVANTAGE: 'Pag kailangan mo, nandiyan agad.
DISADVANTAGE: 'Pag ayaw mo na, andiyan parin!
------------ -----
TANONG: What is the difference between a girlfriend,a call girl and a wife?
SAGOT: Post paid, pre paid, unlimited.
------------ -----
Sa isang classroom...
TITSER: Class, what is ETHICS?
PETER: Etiks are smaller than ducks.
TITSER: Okey, that duck will lay an egg in your card.
------------ -----
JUAN: Pare, noong mayaman pa kami, nagkakamay
kaming kumain. Ngayongmahirap na kami, nakakutsara na.
PEDRO: Baligtad yata?
JUAN: Mahirap kamayin ang lugaw, pare!
------------ -----
ANAK: Itay, nagpapatanong si ma'am kung ano raw ang propesyon mo.
TATAY: Sabihin mo, cardiologist.
ANAK: Ano po ba ang cardiologist, Itay?
TATAY:'Yung taga-ayos ng radio sa car!
------------ -----
”Umuwi si mister nang 4:00 AM at nakita niya ang
kanyang misis na may katalik na lalaki sa kama”...
Misis: (sumigaw) SAAN KA GALING?!
Mister: Sino 'yang katabi mo?
Misis: GRABE KA! HUWAG MONG IBAHIN ANG USAPAN!
------------ -----
ROD: Bakit bad trip ka?
HARRY: Nagtampo sa 'kin ang utol ko.
ROD: Bakit naman?
HARRY: Nakalimutan ko kasi ang birthday niya.
ROD: 'Yun lang? Anong masama ru'n?
HARRY: Ang masama ru'n... twins kami! Twins!
MAN2: bakit, ano ba ang trabaho mo pare?
MAN1: embalsamador!
————
NURSE: nasa isip mo ba pamilya mo?
BALIW: siyempre man! OO!
[Nurse natuwa..]
NURSE: asan ba pamilya mo?
BALIW: nasa isip ko. Tanga ba you?
————
Si Mister nakita 3 butil ng bigas at 25pesos sa drawer ni Misis.
MR: ano to?
MRS: uhm honey, magtatapat na ko. Tuwing nagtataksil ako sayo naglalagay ako ng 1 butil ng bigas sa drawer.
MR: eh ano yang 25pesos?
MRS: nung naging 1 kilo ang bigas, binenta ko na. Sayang eh!
________
Kinuha ng isang Kanong Pari si Pacquiao as interpreter. .
Pari: The Lord was crucified between 2 robbers.
Pac: Si Hesus ay ipinako s gitna ng 2 goma.
Pari: We need to sacrifice.
Pac: Kailangan natin ng 2 sakong bigas.
Pari: If we do not repent,
Pac: Kapag hindi natin pininturahang muli,
Pari: Thewrath of God will come upon you.
Pac: Ang mga daga ng Diyos ay pupunta sayo.(nagtawanan)
Pari: Well.. Well..
Pac: Balon.. Balon..
____________
a nUrse came 2 vsit hs 3 mental patients
P1:(ngbbsa ng encyclopedia)
N:wow! improvng ka! dts gud.
P2:(ngbbsa ng dictionry)
N:cool! ipgp2loy mo lng yn.
P3:(nktyo s mesa w/arms wide open) "aq ang ilaw!"
N:hoy! bumba k nga jn. bka mhulog k. wla k p dn pgbbgo.(naupo c P3 s upuan)
P1 & P2: ay, brownout?
____________ _____
JOSE: Kumusta ang assignment?
RICK: Masama. Wala akong nasagutan. Blank paper ang ipinasa ko.
JOSE: Naku, ako rin! Paano 'yan? Baka isipin
nila, nagkopyahan tayo?!
------------ -----
TOTO: Pangarap ko, kumita ng P250,000 monthly gaya ni daddy!
JOVY: Wow! Ganyan kalaki ang kinikita ng daddy mo?
TOTO: Hindi! 'Yan din ang pangarap niya!
------------ -----
DOK: May taning na ang buhay mo.
JUAN: Wala na bang pag-asa? Ano po ba ang dapat kong gawin?
DOK: Mag-asawa ka na lang ng pangit at bungangera.
JUAN: Bakit, gagaling po ba ako ru'n?
DOK: Hindi, pero mas gugustuhin mo pang mamatay kesa mabuhay!
------------ ----
LITO: Pare, ano ba ang kaibahan ng H2O sa CO2?
JOSE: Diyos ko naman! Di mo ba alam 'yun?!
Ang H2O ay water! At ang CO2... COLD water.
------------ -----
”Gustong malaman ng magkaibigan kung may basketbolan sa langit.
Nagkasundo sila na kung sino ang unang mamatay ay babalik upang
sabihin kung may basketbol sa langit.
Naunang namatay si Dado.”
Isang gabi, may narinig na boses si Rodel na parang kay Dado.
"Ikaw ba 'yan, Dado?" usisa ni Rodel.
"Oo naman!" tugon ni Dado.
"Parang hindi totoo!" bulalas ni Rodel."O,ano, meron bang
basketball sa langit?"
Sagot ni Dado, "May maganda at masama akong
balita sa 'yo. Ang maganda, may basketbol doon. Ang masama...
kasali ka sa makakalaban namin bukas!" (ngek!)
------------ -----
Usapan ng dalawang bata...
JUNJUN: Magaling ang tatay ko! Alam mo'yang
Pacific Ocean , siya ang humukay nun!
PEDRO: Wala 'yan sa tatay ko! Alam mo yung Dead Sea ?
JUNJUN: Oo...
PEDRO: Siya ang pumatay nun!
------------ -----
STEWARDEES: Do you want a drink, sir?
SIR: What are my choices?
STEWARDEES: Yes or No.
------------ -----
MISIS: Hindi ko na kaya 'to! Araw-araw nalang tayong nag-aaway
Mabuti pa, umalis na ako sa bahay na 'to!
MISTER: Ako rin, sawang-sawa na! Away rito,away roon! Mabuti pa
siguro, sumama na ako sa 'yo!
------------ -----
Misis: Delayed ako nang one month pero huwag mo munang
ipagsabi.Nahihiya ako...
Mister: Okey.
(Kinabukasan, dumating Collector ng Meralco.) ..
COLLECTOR: Misis, delayed po kayo ng one month.
MISIS: Ha? Bakit mo alam?
COLLECTOR: Nasa record po.
MISTER: Bakit Naka-record diyan na delayed ang misis ko?
COLLECTOR: Kung gusto ninyong mawala sarecord, magbayad kayo!
MISTER: Eh kung ayokong magbayad?
COLLECTOR: Puputulan kayo!
MISTER: Eh anong gagamitin ni misis?
COLLECTOR: Pwede naman siyang gumamit ng kandila.
------------ -----
Advantage at disadvantage ng may-asawa...
ADVANTAGE: 'Pag kailangan mo, nandiyan agad.
DISADVANTAGE: 'Pag ayaw mo na, andiyan parin!
------------ -----
TANONG: What is the difference between a girlfriend,a call girl and a wife?
SAGOT: Post paid, pre paid, unlimited.
------------ -----
Sa isang classroom...
TITSER: Class, what is ETHICS?
PETER: Etiks are smaller than ducks.
TITSER: Okey, that duck will lay an egg in your card.
------------ -----
JUAN: Pare, noong mayaman pa kami, nagkakamay
kaming kumain. Ngayongmahirap na kami, nakakutsara na.
PEDRO: Baligtad yata?
JUAN: Mahirap kamayin ang lugaw, pare!
------------ -----
ANAK: Itay, nagpapatanong si ma'am kung ano raw ang propesyon mo.
TATAY: Sabihin mo, cardiologist.
ANAK: Ano po ba ang cardiologist, Itay?
TATAY:'Yung taga-ayos ng radio sa car!
------------ -----
”Umuwi si mister nang 4:00 AM at nakita niya ang
kanyang misis na may katalik na lalaki sa kama”...
Misis: (sumigaw) SAAN KA GALING?!
Mister: Sino 'yang katabi mo?
Misis: GRABE KA! HUWAG MONG IBAHIN ANG USAPAN!
------------ -----
ROD: Bakit bad trip ka?
HARRY: Nagtampo sa 'kin ang utol ko.
ROD: Bakit naman?
HARRY: Nakalimutan ko kasi ang birthday niya.
ROD: 'Yun lang? Anong masama ru'n?
HARRY: Ang masama ru'n... twins kami! Twins!
Labels:
funny,
pinoy jokes,
tagalog
Job at the FBI
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'
MORAL LESSON:
Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
Classification: UNCLASSIFIED
Caveats: NONE
Classification: UNCLASSIFIED
Caveats: NONE
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'
MORAL LESSON:
Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
Classification: UNCLASSIFIED
Caveats: NONE
Classification: UNCLASSIFIED
Caveats: NONE
Just think about it
Drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Some people leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put their useless junk in the garage.
We use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin means 'many' and 'tics' means 'bloodsucking creatures'.
Ever wonder ....
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why we don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Some people leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put their useless junk in the garage.
We use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin means 'many' and 'tics' means 'bloodsucking creatures'.
Ever wonder ....
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why we don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Coffe
A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.
Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite – telling them to help themselves to hot coffee.
When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for each of you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups and were eyeing each other’s cups. Now if life is coffee, then the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, but the quality of Life doesn't change. Some times, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee in it."
So, don't let the cups drive you... enjoy the coffee instead.
Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite – telling them to help themselves to hot coffee.
When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for each of you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups and were eyeing each other’s cups. Now if life is coffee, then the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, but the quality of Life doesn't change. Some times, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee in it."
So, don't let the cups drive you... enjoy the coffee instead.
Dating Advice: Top 10 Relationship Tips
Beginning a relationship is generally the easy part; It's maintaining the connection that gets a little tricky. That's why a growing number of twosomes (whether or not they've tied the knot) are going into couples therapy as a preemptive strike against the tough times that will inevitably hit... and to learn how to keep the good times flowing. To give you a leg up in your love life, we asked the country's top relationship experts to share the most crucial things they've uncovered over the years -- from big-picture philosophies to little gestures that go a long way. These practices will help keep your union in a happy, healthy place.
1. Act Out of Character.
Couples develop a particular dynamic: the way they relate to each other that repeats itself over and over. If you break that pattern and act against type -- in a positive way -- you inject new life into the relationship. For example, if you always get angry at your guy when he doesn't follow through on some chore, try addressing him in a nicer, more friendly tone, then thank him when he does a good job. It works every time. -- Toni Coleman, psychotherapist and relationship coach in McLean, Virginia
2. Get in Touch a Lot.
No doubt you hug and kiss each other. But simple acts like stroking his arm while you're watching TV and taking his hand when you're walking down the street are also ways to bond. Touching your partner throughout the day triggers your feel-good hormones, which reinforces your affection and makes you feel closer on an instinctive level. -- Psychotherapist Barton Goldsmith, PhD, author of "Emotional Fitness for Couples"
3. Take Turns Talking.
To make sure you both get a chance to state what's on your mind during a disagreement -- and get your points across -- alternate playing reflective therapist, where one listens while the other talks. -- Psychologist Diana Kirschner, PhD, author of "Opening Love's Door"
4. Find the Intersection.
When making decisions together, try to find common ground. You each should write down exactly what you want. Let's say you're angling for a vacay in San Francisco to see the sights and hit up the cool shops and restaurants, while he wants a tropical getaway where he can veg out by the pool and sip drinks with umbrellas in the glass. Now that your desires are clearly laid out on paper, you can pick a place that will satisfy both your needs. A cool city, a little sun... how about Miami? -- Paul Dobransky, MD, author of "The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love"
5. Be More Positive Than Negative.
There's a more effective way to air grievances than to file an angry complaint. Sandwich your negative comment between two positives. If you want to complain about how he's always late, for example, try something like "You know, I love that you're so laid-back and easygoing, but it really bothers me when you show up so late. I'm sure you can still be the fun guy I adore and also be on time." -- Los Angeles psychologist Yvonne Thomas, PhD
6. Echo Each Other.
When you and your man are having a serious relationship talk, it's easy to get so caught up in how you want to respond that you're not really listening to what's being said. That's why it's important for both of you to repeat each other: so you know you've been heard and you feel understood. -- Yvonne Thomas
7. Take a Time-Out.
Neither of you is perfect, and the quirks you both have are here to stay. So rather than let those annoying traits work your last nerve, try to get in touch with the upside of those particular flaws, even if it's not immediately recognizable. Instead of getting annoyed when he starts screaming at the TV, for example, remind yourself how much you love his passion. Or if his shyness with new people bugs you, think about how refreshing it is to be with a chill, genuine guy rather than a blowhard who needs to chat with everyone in the room. -- Denver psychologist Jennifer Oikle, PhD, dating coach for Coupling Connection
8. Have His Back.
You might not agree with your guy when he's had a riff with a friend or he thinks his boss is being unfair, but you should always be on his side... and vice versa. Otherwise, you'll both feel like you can't count on each other. That doesn't mean you have to take the "you're so right" route all the time. Just hear him out, and let him know that you'll support him no matter what. -- New York City psychotherapist JoAnn Magdoff, PhD
9. Spend a Little Money on Each Other.
You don't have to wait for a special occasion to give small presents to show your love. In fact, gifts are more fun -- and meaningful -- when they're not expected. Try to get into the habit of exchanging sweet tokens of appreciation for no particular reason. Don't go and blow your paycheck though. It's not about being extravagant; it's just a way of showing that you really get -- and think about -- each other. Maybe you buy him a tee of his favorite band that you saw on sale or he gets you a pair of pajamas in your favorite color. -- Barton Goldsmith
10. Be a Good Date.
Face it, no one can stay fascinating forever. After being together for a while, the initial excitement fades, and your guy can start to get kind of boring sometimes. Hey, don't think you're off the hook -- if you're feeling a little ho-hum about him, the feeling is likely mutual! To combat the blahs, take turns coming up with an interesting date idea every month. Keep the time and details to yourself, and try to think outside the box -- dinner and a movie is not exactly innovative. An awesome concert or a snowboarding lesson, for example, is a much less predictable treat. -- Jennifer Oikle
1. Act Out of Character.
Couples develop a particular dynamic: the way they relate to each other that repeats itself over and over. If you break that pattern and act against type -- in a positive way -- you inject new life into the relationship. For example, if you always get angry at your guy when he doesn't follow through on some chore, try addressing him in a nicer, more friendly tone, then thank him when he does a good job. It works every time. -- Toni Coleman, psychotherapist and relationship coach in McLean, Virginia
2. Get in Touch a Lot.
No doubt you hug and kiss each other. But simple acts like stroking his arm while you're watching TV and taking his hand when you're walking down the street are also ways to bond. Touching your partner throughout the day triggers your feel-good hormones, which reinforces your affection and makes you feel closer on an instinctive level. -- Psychotherapist Barton Goldsmith, PhD, author of "Emotional Fitness for Couples"
3. Take Turns Talking.
To make sure you both get a chance to state what's on your mind during a disagreement -- and get your points across -- alternate playing reflective therapist, where one listens while the other talks. -- Psychologist Diana Kirschner, PhD, author of "Opening Love's Door"
4. Find the Intersection.
When making decisions together, try to find common ground. You each should write down exactly what you want. Let's say you're angling for a vacay in San Francisco to see the sights and hit up the cool shops and restaurants, while he wants a tropical getaway where he can veg out by the pool and sip drinks with umbrellas in the glass. Now that your desires are clearly laid out on paper, you can pick a place that will satisfy both your needs. A cool city, a little sun... how about Miami? -- Paul Dobransky, MD, author of "The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love"
5. Be More Positive Than Negative.
There's a more effective way to air grievances than to file an angry complaint. Sandwich your negative comment between two positives. If you want to complain about how he's always late, for example, try something like "You know, I love that you're so laid-back and easygoing, but it really bothers me when you show up so late. I'm sure you can still be the fun guy I adore and also be on time." -- Los Angeles psychologist Yvonne Thomas, PhD
6. Echo Each Other.
When you and your man are having a serious relationship talk, it's easy to get so caught up in how you want to respond that you're not really listening to what's being said. That's why it's important for both of you to repeat each other: so you know you've been heard and you feel understood. -- Yvonne Thomas
7. Take a Time-Out.
Neither of you is perfect, and the quirks you both have are here to stay. So rather than let those annoying traits work your last nerve, try to get in touch with the upside of those particular flaws, even if it's not immediately recognizable. Instead of getting annoyed when he starts screaming at the TV, for example, remind yourself how much you love his passion. Or if his shyness with new people bugs you, think about how refreshing it is to be with a chill, genuine guy rather than a blowhard who needs to chat with everyone in the room. -- Denver psychologist Jennifer Oikle, PhD, dating coach for Coupling Connection
8. Have His Back.
You might not agree with your guy when he's had a riff with a friend or he thinks his boss is being unfair, but you should always be on his side... and vice versa. Otherwise, you'll both feel like you can't count on each other. That doesn't mean you have to take the "you're so right" route all the time. Just hear him out, and let him know that you'll support him no matter what. -- New York City psychotherapist JoAnn Magdoff, PhD
9. Spend a Little Money on Each Other.
You don't have to wait for a special occasion to give small presents to show your love. In fact, gifts are more fun -- and meaningful -- when they're not expected. Try to get into the habit of exchanging sweet tokens of appreciation for no particular reason. Don't go and blow your paycheck though. It's not about being extravagant; it's just a way of showing that you really get -- and think about -- each other. Maybe you buy him a tee of his favorite band that you saw on sale or he gets you a pair of pajamas in your favorite color. -- Barton Goldsmith
10. Be a Good Date.
Face it, no one can stay fascinating forever. After being together for a while, the initial excitement fades, and your guy can start to get kind of boring sometimes. Hey, don't think you're off the hook -- if you're feeling a little ho-hum about him, the feeling is likely mutual! To combat the blahs, take turns coming up with an interesting date idea every month. Keep the time and details to yourself, and try to think outside the box -- dinner and a movie is not exactly innovative. An awesome concert or a snowboarding lesson, for example, is a much less predictable treat. -- Jennifer Oikle
Labels:
advice,
relationship,
tips
Tips for Happy Marriage
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is inTucson.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.Then she said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me "In the Lake."
8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is inTucson.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.Then she said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me "In the Lake."
8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"
Optical Illusion
Click the link below and follow the instruction. The optical illusion is crazy.
http://www.johnsadowski.com/big_spanish_castle.html
http://www.johnsadowski.com/big_spanish_castle.html
Labels:
interesting,
optical illusion,
website
Laws of Nature
1. Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
2. Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Kovac's Conundrum:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.
4. Cannon's Karmic Law:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
5. O'brien's Variation Law:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
6. Bell's Theorem
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
7. Ruby's Principle of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
8. Willoughby's Law
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
9. Zadra's Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
10. Breda's Rule
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
11. Owen's Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something, which will last until the coffee is cold.
12. Howden's Law
You remember you have to mail a letter only when you're near the mailbox.
13. Gentlemen's Law
When you see a beautiful young girl, either she is married or you are married.
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
2. Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Kovac's Conundrum:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.
4. Cannon's Karmic Law:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
5. O'brien's Variation Law:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
6. Bell's Theorem
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
7. Ruby's Principle of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
8. Willoughby's Law
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
9. Zadra's Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
10. Breda's Rule
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
11. Owen's Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something, which will last until the coffee is cold.
12. Howden's Law
You remember you have to mail a letter only when you're near the mailbox.
13. Gentlemen's Law
When you see a beautiful young girl, either she is married or you are married.
Life's Principles
TRUST is a very important factor for all relationships. When trust is broken, it is the end of the relationship. Lack of trust leads to suspicion, suspicion generates anger, anger causes enmity and enmity may result in separation.
A female telephone operator received a phone call one day. She answered, "Public Utilities Board." There was silence. She repeated, "PUB." There was still no answer. When she was going to cut off the line, she heard a lady's voice, "Oh, so this is PUB.Sorry, I got the number from my husband's pocket but I do not know whose number it is."
Without mutual trust, just imagine what will happen to the couple if the telephone operator answered with just "hello" instead of "PUB".
____
N O POINTING FINGERS
A man asked his father-in-law, "Many people praised you for a successful marriage. Could you please share with me your secret?"
The father-in-law answered in a smile, "Never criticize your wife for her shortcomings or when she does something wrong. Always bear in mind that because of her shortcomings and weaknesses, she could not find a better husband than you."
We all look forward to being loved and respected. Many people are afraid of losing face. Generally, when a person makes a mistake, he would look around to find a scapegoat to point the finger at. This is the start of a war. We should always remember that when we point one finger at a person, the other four fingers are pointing at ourselves.
If we forgive the others, others will ignore our mistake too.
______
C REATING PERFECT RELATIONSHIPS?
A person visited the government matchmaker for marriage, SDU, and requested "I am looking for a spouse. Please help me to find a suitable one." The SDU officer said, "Your requirements, please." "Oh, good looking, polite, humorous , sporty, knowledgeable, good in singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest." The officer listened carefully and replied, "I understand you need television."
There is a saying that a perfect match can only be found between a blind wife and a deaf husband ,because the blind wife cannot see the faults of the husband and the deaf husband cannot hear the nagging of the wife. Many couples are blind and deaf at the courting stage and dream of perpetual perfect relationship. Unfortunately, when the excitement of love wears off, they wake up and discover that marriage is not a bed of roses. The nightmare begins.
_____
N O OVERPOWERING
Many relationships fail because one party tries to overpower another,or demands too much. People in love tend to think that love will conquer all and their spouses will change the bad habits after marriage. Actually, this is not the case. There is a Chinese saying which carries the meaning that "It is easier to reshape a mountain or a river than a person's character."
It is not easy to change. Thus, having high expectation on changing the spouse character will cause disappointment and unpleasantness.
It would be less painful to change ourselves and lower our expectations..
_____
RIGHT SPEECH
There is a Chinese saying which carries the meaning that "A speech will either prosper or ruin a nation." Many relationships break off because of wrong speech. When a couple is too close with each other,we always forget mutual respect and courtesy. We may say anything without considering if it would hurt the other party.
A friend and her millionaire husband visited their construction site. A worker who wore a helmet saw her and shouted,"Hi, Emily! Remember me? We used to date in the secondary school." On the way home, her millionaire husband teased her, "Luckily you married me.Otherwise you will be the wife of a construction worker." She answered ,"You should appreciate that you married me. Otherwise, he will be the millionaire and not you."
Frequently exchanging these remarks plants the seed for a bad relationship. It's like a broken egg - cannot be reversed.
____
P ERSONAL PERCEPTION
Different people have different perception. One man's meat could be another man's poison. A couple bought a donkey from the market. On the way home,a boy commented, "Very stupid. Why neither of them ride on the donkey?"Upon hearing that, the husband let the wife ride on the donkey. He walked besides them. Later, an old man saw it and commented, "The husband is the head of family. How can the wife ride on the donkey while the husband is on foot?" Hearing this, the wife quickly got down and let the husband ride on the donkey.
Further on the way home, they met an old Lady. She commented, "How can the man ride on the donkey but let the wife walk. He is no gentleman." The husband thus quickly asked the wife to join him on the donkey. Then, they met a young man. He commented, "Poor donkey, how can you hold up the weight of two persons. They are cruel to you." Hearing that, the husband and wife immediately climbed down from the donkey and carried it on their shoulders.
It seems to be the only choice left. Later, on a narrow bridge, the donkey was frightened and struggled. They lost their balance and fell into the river. You can never have everyone praise you, nor will everyone condemn you. Never in the past, not at present, and never will be in the future.
Thus, do not be too bothered by others words if our conscience is clear..
_____
B E PATIENT
This is a true story which happened in the States. A man came out of his home to admire his new truck. To his puzzlement, his three-year-old son was happily hammering dents into the shiny paint of the truck. The man ran to his son, knocked him away, bashed the little boy's hands into near pulp as punishment. When the father calmed down, he rushed his son to the hospital..
Although the doctor tried desperately to save the crushed bones, he finally had to amputate the fingers from both the boy's hands. When the boy woke up from the surgery & saw his bandaged stubs, he innocently said, " Daddy,I'm sorry about your truck." Then he asked, "but when are my fingers going to grow back?" (The boy actually was writing "i love you daddy" on the truck. The father went home & attempted suicide.
Think about this story the next time someone steps on your feet or u wish to take revenge. Think first before u lose your patience with someone u love. Trucks can be repaired.. Broken bones & hurt feelings often can't. Too often we fail to recognize the difference between the person and the performance. We forget that forgiveness is greater than revenge.
People make mistakes. We are allowed to make mistakes. But the actions we take while in a rage will haunt us forever.
A female telephone operator received a phone call one day. She answered, "Public Utilities Board." There was silence. She repeated, "PUB." There was still no answer. When she was going to cut off the line, she heard a lady's voice, "Oh, so this is PUB.Sorry, I got the number from my husband's pocket but I do not know whose number it is."
Without mutual trust, just imagine what will happen to the couple if the telephone operator answered with just "hello" instead of "PUB".
____
N O POINTING FINGERS
A man asked his father-in-law, "Many people praised you for a successful marriage. Could you please share with me your secret?"
The father-in-law answered in a smile, "Never criticize your wife for her shortcomings or when she does something wrong. Always bear in mind that because of her shortcomings and weaknesses, she could not find a better husband than you."
We all look forward to being loved and respected. Many people are afraid of losing face. Generally, when a person makes a mistake, he would look around to find a scapegoat to point the finger at. This is the start of a war. We should always remember that when we point one finger at a person, the other four fingers are pointing at ourselves.
If we forgive the others, others will ignore our mistake too.
______
C REATING PERFECT RELATIONSHIPS?
A person visited the government matchmaker for marriage, SDU, and requested "I am looking for a spouse. Please help me to find a suitable one." The SDU officer said, "Your requirements, please." "Oh, good looking, polite, humorous , sporty, knowledgeable, good in singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest." The officer listened carefully and replied, "I understand you need television."
There is a saying that a perfect match can only be found between a blind wife and a deaf husband ,because the blind wife cannot see the faults of the husband and the deaf husband cannot hear the nagging of the wife. Many couples are blind and deaf at the courting stage and dream of perpetual perfect relationship. Unfortunately, when the excitement of love wears off, they wake up and discover that marriage is not a bed of roses. The nightmare begins.
_____
N O OVERPOWERING
Many relationships fail because one party tries to overpower another,or demands too much. People in love tend to think that love will conquer all and their spouses will change the bad habits after marriage. Actually, this is not the case. There is a Chinese saying which carries the meaning that "It is easier to reshape a mountain or a river than a person's character."
It is not easy to change. Thus, having high expectation on changing the spouse character will cause disappointment and unpleasantness.
It would be less painful to change ourselves and lower our expectations..
_____
RIGHT SPEECH
There is a Chinese saying which carries the meaning that "A speech will either prosper or ruin a nation." Many relationships break off because of wrong speech. When a couple is too close with each other,we always forget mutual respect and courtesy. We may say anything without considering if it would hurt the other party.
A friend and her millionaire husband visited their construction site. A worker who wore a helmet saw her and shouted,"Hi, Emily! Remember me? We used to date in the secondary school." On the way home, her millionaire husband teased her, "Luckily you married me.Otherwise you will be the wife of a construction worker." She answered ,"You should appreciate that you married me. Otherwise, he will be the millionaire and not you."
Frequently exchanging these remarks plants the seed for a bad relationship. It's like a broken egg - cannot be reversed.
____
P ERSONAL PERCEPTION
Different people have different perception. One man's meat could be another man's poison. A couple bought a donkey from the market. On the way home,a boy commented, "Very stupid. Why neither of them ride on the donkey?"Upon hearing that, the husband let the wife ride on the donkey. He walked besides them. Later, an old man saw it and commented, "The husband is the head of family. How can the wife ride on the donkey while the husband is on foot?" Hearing this, the wife quickly got down and let the husband ride on the donkey.
Further on the way home, they met an old Lady. She commented, "How can the man ride on the donkey but let the wife walk. He is no gentleman." The husband thus quickly asked the wife to join him on the donkey. Then, they met a young man. He commented, "Poor donkey, how can you hold up the weight of two persons. They are cruel to you." Hearing that, the husband and wife immediately climbed down from the donkey and carried it on their shoulders.
It seems to be the only choice left. Later, on a narrow bridge, the donkey was frightened and struggled. They lost their balance and fell into the river. You can never have everyone praise you, nor will everyone condemn you. Never in the past, not at present, and never will be in the future.
Thus, do not be too bothered by others words if our conscience is clear..
_____
B E PATIENT
This is a true story which happened in the States. A man came out of his home to admire his new truck. To his puzzlement, his three-year-old son was happily hammering dents into the shiny paint of the truck. The man ran to his son, knocked him away, bashed the little boy's hands into near pulp as punishment. When the father calmed down, he rushed his son to the hospital..
Although the doctor tried desperately to save the crushed bones, he finally had to amputate the fingers from both the boy's hands. When the boy woke up from the surgery & saw his bandaged stubs, he innocently said, " Daddy,I'm sorry about your truck." Then he asked, "but when are my fingers going to grow back?" (The boy actually was writing "i love you daddy" on the truck. The father went home & attempted suicide.
Think about this story the next time someone steps on your feet or u wish to take revenge. Think first before u lose your patience with someone u love. Trucks can be repaired.. Broken bones & hurt feelings often can't. Too often we fail to recognize the difference between the person and the performance. We forget that forgiveness is greater than revenge.
People make mistakes. We are allowed to make mistakes. But the actions we take while in a rage will haunt us forever.
Labels:
advice,
inspirational,
life
The Pastor's Ass
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . .. even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . .. even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Hay Buhay Sa Amerika
Got this from a friend's email...
____
Akala ng mga tao na nasa Pilipinas kapag nasa America ka akala nila madami ka ng pera. Ang totoo, madami kang utang, dahil credit card lahat ang gamit mo sa pagbili mo ng mga gamit mo. Kailangan mo gumamit ng credit card para magka-credit history ka, kase pag hindi ka umutang o wala kang utang, hindi ka pagkakatiwalaan ng mga kano . Pag wala kang credit card, ibig sabihin wala kang kapasidad magbayad.
Akala nila mayaman ka na kase may kotse ka na. Ang totoo, kapag hindi ka bumili ng kotse sa America maglalakad ka ng milya-milya sa ilalim ng init ng araw o kaya sa snow. Walang jeepney, tricycle o padyak sa America .
Akala nila masarap ang buhay dito sa America . Ang totoo, puro ka trabaho kase pag di ka nagtrabaho, wala kang pangbayad ng bills mo sa kotse, credit card, ilaw, tubig, insurance, bahay at iba pa. Hindi ka na pwedeng tumambay sa kapitbahay kase busy din sila maghanap buhay pangbayad ng bills nila.
Akala nila masaya ka kase nagpadala ka ng picture mo sa Disneyland , Seaworld, Six Flags, Universal Studios at iba pang attractions. Ang totoo, kailangan mo ngumiti kase nagbayad ka ng $70+ para makarating ka dun, kailangan mo na naman ang 10 hours na sweldo mong pinangbayad sa ticket.
Akala nila malaki na ang kinikita mo kase dolyar na sweldo mo. Ang totoo , malaki pagpinalit mo ng peso, pero dolyar din ang gastos mo sa America . Ibig sabihin ang dolyar mong kinita sa presyong dolyar mo din gagastusin. Ang P15.00 na sardinas sa Pilipinas $1.00 sa America , ang isang pakete ng sigarilyo sa pilipinas P40.00, sa America $ 6.50, ang upa mo sa bahay na P10,000 sa Pilipinas, sa America $1,000++.
Akala nila buhay milyonaryo ka na kase ang ganda ng bahay at kotse mo. Ang totoo milyon ang utang mo. Ang bago mong kotse 5 taon mong huhulugan. Ang bahay 30 taon mong huhulugan. Ibig sabihin, alipin ka ng bahay at kotse mo.
Madaming naghahangad na makarating sa America . Lalo na mga nurses, mahirap maging normal na manggagawa sa Pilipinas. Madalas pagod ka sa trabaho. Pag dating ng sweldo mo, kulang pa sa pagkain mo. Pero ganun din sa ibang bansa katulad ng America . Hindi ibig sabihin dolyar na ang sweldo mo, yayaman ka na, kailangan mo ding magbanat ng buto para mabuhay ka sa ibang bansa.
Isang malaking sakripisyo ang pag alis mo sa bansang pinagsilangan at malungkot iwanan ang mga mahal mo sa buhay.Hindi pinupulot ang pera dito o pinipitas. Hindi ako naninira ng pangarap, gusto ko lang buksan ang bintana ng katotohanan.
____
Akala ng mga tao na nasa Pilipinas kapag nasa America ka akala nila madami ka ng pera. Ang totoo, madami kang utang, dahil credit card lahat ang gamit mo sa pagbili mo ng mga gamit mo. Kailangan mo gumamit ng credit card para magka-credit history ka, kase pag hindi ka umutang o wala kang utang, hindi ka pagkakatiwalaan ng mga kano . Pag wala kang credit card, ibig sabihin wala kang kapasidad magbayad.
Akala nila mayaman ka na kase may kotse ka na. Ang totoo, kapag hindi ka bumili ng kotse sa America maglalakad ka ng milya-milya sa ilalim ng init ng araw o kaya sa snow. Walang jeepney, tricycle o padyak sa America .
Akala nila masarap ang buhay dito sa America . Ang totoo, puro ka trabaho kase pag di ka nagtrabaho, wala kang pangbayad ng bills mo sa kotse, credit card, ilaw, tubig, insurance, bahay at iba pa. Hindi ka na pwedeng tumambay sa kapitbahay kase busy din sila maghanap buhay pangbayad ng bills nila.
Akala nila masaya ka kase nagpadala ka ng picture mo sa Disneyland , Seaworld, Six Flags, Universal Studios at iba pang attractions. Ang totoo, kailangan mo ngumiti kase nagbayad ka ng $70+ para makarating ka dun, kailangan mo na naman ang 10 hours na sweldo mong pinangbayad sa ticket.
Akala nila malaki na ang kinikita mo kase dolyar na sweldo mo. Ang totoo , malaki pagpinalit mo ng peso, pero dolyar din ang gastos mo sa America . Ibig sabihin ang dolyar mong kinita sa presyong dolyar mo din gagastusin. Ang P15.00 na sardinas sa Pilipinas $1.00 sa America , ang isang pakete ng sigarilyo sa pilipinas P40.00, sa America $ 6.50, ang upa mo sa bahay na P10,000 sa Pilipinas, sa America $1,000++.
Akala nila buhay milyonaryo ka na kase ang ganda ng bahay at kotse mo. Ang totoo milyon ang utang mo. Ang bago mong kotse 5 taon mong huhulugan. Ang bahay 30 taon mong huhulugan. Ibig sabihin, alipin ka ng bahay at kotse mo.
Madaming naghahangad na makarating sa America . Lalo na mga nurses, mahirap maging normal na manggagawa sa Pilipinas. Madalas pagod ka sa trabaho. Pag dating ng sweldo mo, kulang pa sa pagkain mo. Pero ganun din sa ibang bansa katulad ng America . Hindi ibig sabihin dolyar na ang sweldo mo, yayaman ka na, kailangan mo ding magbanat ng buto para mabuhay ka sa ibang bansa.
Isang malaking sakripisyo ang pag alis mo sa bansang pinagsilangan at malungkot iwanan ang mga mahal mo sa buhay.Hindi pinupulot ang pera dito o pinipitas. Hindi ako naninira ng pangarap, gusto ko lang buksan ang bintana ng katotohanan.
85-year Old Man
An 85-year old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this "first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with
both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.' The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'
The old man replied, 'Yep none of us could get the jar open'
both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.' The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'
The old man replied, 'Yep none of us could get the jar open'
Little Johnny
Little Johnny 's next door neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He said "Now, son... that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home." "I promise not to mention his ears at all" said Little Johnny. At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the baby's hand He looked at it's mother and said "Oh What a Beautiful little baby". The mother said "Thank you very much, Little Johnny." He then said, "this baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why... just look at his pretty little eyes.... Did his doctor say that he can see good?" The Mother said "why, yes Johnny... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision. Little Johnny said "well, its a darn good thing, cause he sure couldn't wear glasses!!!
Rubber
A rich young girl finds that she has developed a passion for the smell of burning rubber. So she buys herself a sports car and satisfies her passion racing around country lanes. One day she passes a young man who is hitch-hiking and stops to pick him up. The hitch-hiker settles back in his seat, thinking that his luck has really changed.
Suddenly the girl stamps her foot on the accelerator and drives full speed towards a steep cliff. At the last minute she puts her foot on the brakes and the car stops inches from the edge.
"Can you smell that?" she asks her passenger enthusiastically.
"Smell it?" sobs the man. "I'm sitting in it!"
Suddenly the girl stamps her foot on the accelerator and drives full speed towards a steep cliff. At the last minute she puts her foot on the brakes and the car stops inches from the edge.
"Can you smell that?" she asks her passenger enthusiastically.
"Smell it?" sobs the man. "I'm sitting in it!"
Four Catholic Men & a Woman
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, 'My son is a priest.
When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father' '.
The second Catholic man chirps, 'My son is a bishop. When
he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace''.
The third Catholic gent says, 'My son is a cardinal. When
he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence' '.
The fourth Catholic man chirps, 'My son is the Pope. When
he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness''.
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in
silence, the four men give her a subtle, 'Well...?'
She replies, 'I have a daughter. She is slim, tall and 36-24-36.
When she walks into a room, people say, ......."OH GOD !!!"
The first Catholic man tells his friends, 'My son is a priest.
When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father' '.
The second Catholic man chirps, 'My son is a bishop. When
he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace''.
The third Catholic gent says, 'My son is a cardinal. When
he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence' '.
The fourth Catholic man chirps, 'My son is the Pope. When
he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness''.
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in
silence, the four men give her a subtle, 'Well...?'
She replies, 'I have a daughter. She is slim, tall and 36-24-36.
When she walks into a room, people say, ......."OH GOD !!!"
Two Nuns
There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight
and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster
than man with his pants down.
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight
and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster
than man with his pants down.
Dark Truth
At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" even when you don't know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug!"
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug!"
Top 10 reasons why God created Eve
10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. God knew that as Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!
And the #1 reason why God created Eve...
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!"
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. God knew that as Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!
And the #1 reason why God created Eve...
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!"
Pacquiao Jokes #1
JINKY : Unsay ibig sabihon ng "cooling place"?
MANNY : Pag-naga ring ang fon, sabihon mo: "Hilow, hus cooling place?"
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Waiter: What kind of coffee would you like, regular or decaf?
Manny: No, Big cup!! Big cup!
Waiter: What would you like for your breakfast?
Manny: Hameneggs.
Waiter: And how do you like your eggs, sir?
Manny: Yes, tenkyu. I like dem beri much.
Waiter: No sir, I mean how would you like them cooked?
Manny: Yes, tenkyu. I wud like dem cooked.
Waiter: (with increasing impatience) Would you like your eggs...fried? poached? hard boiled or soft boiled?
Manny: (with increasing uneasiness) Yes, one fried en one hard boiled or sop boiled.
Waiter: And what bread would you like?
Manny: Begyurpardon?
Waiter: What kind of bread would you like? white? rye? whole wheat? toast?
Manny: Pan Americano
Waiter: We don't have that.
Manny: Okey, gib me taystee.
Waiter: We don't have that either, sir.
Manny: Do you heb pan de lemon or bonete?
Waiter: Sir, you are wasting my time. I shall ask for the last time, what would you like for breakfast?
Manny: Donut plis....
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Baby ni Pacquiao!
Jinky: Pa, anu ba ipapangalan naten sa bago nating baby?
Manny: Hhhmm.. teka ma.. mgiisip ako.. basta ma ang gusto ko yung combination ng name naten para unique!
Jinky: Oo nga noh.. mganda un Pa.. UNIQUE
Manny: AHAAA!! alam ko na ma!!'
Jinky: anu un pa?!
Manny: MAN-KY.. MANKY PACQUIAO!! O DBA?!?!
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MANNY PACQUIAO:
tuturuan ko kayo ng words!
Tactics - ito ang tunog ng orasan.
Payt - ito ay laban.
Taytol - pamagat ito ng laban.
Jengkeh - asawa ko to!
Nupeer - sponsor ko to!
Motor Kid - pag-ikot sa maynila.
Check-in - paborito ko sa McDo.
Corrupt - pagsara ng mata.
Mura Less - natalo kong Mexicano.
Wit - I'm 130lbs.
Wawawe - my peburit show.
Noodle - sagot ko sa deal or no deal.
Duet - gawin mo!
Quotes - nickname ni freddie roach!
Sa boxing training, nasuntok nang malakas ni Pacquiao si Onyok.
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ONYOK: Out! Out! Ang sakit, ha?!
PACQUIAO: Anung out?
ONYOK: Di ba, pag masakit, ‘out’ ang sinasabi?
PACQUIAO: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ka’katawa ka, dong! Anung out? Baka OUTS!
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MANNY : Pag-naga ring ang fon, sabihon mo: "Hilow, hus cooling place?"
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Waiter: What kind of coffee would you like, regular or decaf?
Manny: No, Big cup!! Big cup!
Waiter: What would you like for your breakfast?
Manny: Hameneggs.
Waiter: And how do you like your eggs, sir?
Manny: Yes, tenkyu. I like dem beri much.
Waiter: No sir, I mean how would you like them cooked?
Manny: Yes, tenkyu. I wud like dem cooked.
Waiter: (with increasing impatience) Would you like your eggs...fried? poached? hard boiled or soft boiled?
Manny: (with increasing uneasiness) Yes, one fried en one hard boiled or sop boiled.
Waiter: And what bread would you like?
Manny: Begyurpardon?
Waiter: What kind of bread would you like? white? rye? whole wheat? toast?
Manny: Pan Americano
Waiter: We don't have that.
Manny: Okey, gib me taystee.
Waiter: We don't have that either, sir.
Manny: Do you heb pan de lemon or bonete?
Waiter: Sir, you are wasting my time. I shall ask for the last time, what would you like for breakfast?
Manny: Donut plis....
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Baby ni Pacquiao!
Jinky: Pa, anu ba ipapangalan naten sa bago nating baby?
Manny: Hhhmm.. teka ma.. mgiisip ako.. basta ma ang gusto ko yung combination ng name naten para unique!
Jinky: Oo nga noh.. mganda un Pa.. UNIQUE
Manny: AHAAA!! alam ko na ma!!'
Jinky: anu un pa?!
Manny: MAN-KY.. MANKY PACQUIAO!! O DBA?!?!
||||||||||
MANNY PACQUIAO:
tuturuan ko kayo ng words!
Tactics - ito ang tunog ng orasan.
Payt - ito ay laban.
Taytol - pamagat ito ng laban.
Jengkeh - asawa ko to!
Nupeer - sponsor ko to!
Motor Kid - pag-ikot sa maynila.
Check-in - paborito ko sa McDo.
Corrupt - pagsara ng mata.
Mura Less - natalo kong Mexicano.
Wit - I'm 130lbs.
Wawawe - my peburit show.
Noodle - sagot ko sa deal or no deal.
Duet - gawin mo!
Quotes - nickname ni freddie roach!
Sa boxing training, nasuntok nang malakas ni Pacquiao si Onyok.
||||||||||
ONYOK: Out! Out! Ang sakit, ha?!
PACQUIAO: Anung out?
ONYOK: Di ba, pag masakit, ‘out’ ang sinasabi?
PACQUIAO: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ka’katawa ka, dong! Anung out? Baka OUTS!
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Pinoy Jokes Collection #6
a guy went to the cr and sat on a toilet, then he heard someone came in the next cubicle. The guy in the other cubicle started talking, "Pare kamusta ka na?" then he hesitantly answered "Ah ok lang".. The other guy asked again " Ano ginagawa mo dyan?" not knowing what to say he answered, "eto jumejebs" then the other guy speaks, "Pare tawagan kita mamaya may sumasagot dito sa tabi ko"...............
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BOY: Alam nyo! Alam nyo! Alam nyo! Alamn nyo! Alaaaaammmm nyoooo!!!
GIRL: Alaaaammm nyooo din!
(Magsyotang ngongo, nagsasabihan ng I LOVE YOU… how sweet!)
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Anak: Inay, gusto ko, ngayong birthday ko, espesyal, ha. Dapat ‘yung message mo sa akin, ma-touch at maiiyak ako.
Inay: Anak, ampon ka.
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Sakrtistan: father, nakita ko po yung pilay, nagdasal sa altar tapos tinapon saklay nya!..
Pari: diyos ko, isa tong milagro!....... Asan siya?
Sakristan: andun po nakadapa, putok ang nguso!!
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"Hindi ka nabbgay dito! Dun ka nbbagay sa mga taong palara!
Sa mga taong nakahiga sa salapi!"
-Robin Padilla
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TRANSLATED VERSION:
"Witchi ikiz najojogay ditech! De engklachu ikiz najojogay
sa mga shoong sholara!
Sa mga shoong naka jigaztra sa julapung!"
-Rustom Padilla
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Sa canteen…
Juan: Miss, isang babaeng siopao nga!
Waitress: Babaeng siopao?
Juan: Oo, ‘yung may papel na sapin, kumbaga, may napkin.
Waitress: Ah, ganun ba? Ang andito, bakla.
Juan: Bakla?
Waitress: May sapin din pero may itlog sa loob!
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Berto: Uuwi na ako at gusto ko nang hubarin ang panty ng misis ko.
Juancho: Hot na hot ka na, pare?
Berto: Hindi, masyadong masikip sa akin, eh.
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Girlfriend: (nagtetext) Break na tayo! Ang pangit mo! Walang kwenta ka!
Boyfriend: (nagreply) Huh? Anu ginawa ko? May kasalanan ba akong nagawa sayo?
Girlfriend: Ay sorry honey! Wrong send! I love you!
Boyfriend: Ahh ganun….I love u too….
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MILITARY MOTTO'S:
ARMY-no retreat, no surrender!
AIRFORCE- no guts, no glory!
NAVY - no pain, no gain!
POLICE- no valor, no honor!
SECURITY GUARD- NO ID, NO ENTRY!
Tigasin din! yahaha!
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Mga pagbabago:
Noon, pag maganda, ligawan mo na agad.
Ngayon, pag maganda, titigan mo muna mabuti baka bakla.
Noon, konti lang ang lalaking guwapo.
Ngayon, konting guwapo lang ang tunay na lalaki.
Noon, pag guwapo, babaero.
Ngayon, pati mga panget, babaero.
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Sa ospital, mag-isang nagfill-up si lola ng medical record
Lola: magtanong na nga iha, ano ba ilalagay dina sa status?
Nurse: uhm, may asawa po ba kayo lola?
Lola: meron.
Nurse: married na lang lagay mo 'la.
Lola: di naman kami kasal eh, flirt flirt lang yun...
Nurse: Hmmm, sige lagay nyo na lang po single.
Lola: pero nag-secret marriage kami dati sa barangay...
Nurse: ahmmm... sige po lagay nyo na lang.........
It's complicated. ü
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pilot to tower:
wala na kaming fuel, 400 miles kami from airport.
give your instructions, over!
tower:
ok, listen and listen well...
repeat after me..
Our Father, who art in heaven.....
||||||||||
||||||||||
BOY: Alam nyo! Alam nyo! Alam nyo! Alamn nyo! Alaaaaammmm nyoooo!!!
GIRL: Alaaaammm nyooo din!
(Magsyotang ngongo, nagsasabihan ng I LOVE YOU… how sweet!)
||||||||||
Anak: Inay, gusto ko, ngayong birthday ko, espesyal, ha. Dapat ‘yung message mo sa akin, ma-touch at maiiyak ako.
Inay: Anak, ampon ka.
||||||||||
Sakrtistan: father, nakita ko po yung pilay, nagdasal sa altar tapos tinapon saklay nya!..
Pari: diyos ko, isa tong milagro!....... Asan siya?
Sakristan: andun po nakadapa, putok ang nguso!!
||||||||||
"Hindi ka nabbgay dito! Dun ka nbbagay sa mga taong palara!
Sa mga taong nakahiga sa salapi!"
-Robin Padilla
||||||||||
TRANSLATED VERSION:
"Witchi ikiz najojogay ditech! De engklachu ikiz najojogay
sa mga shoong sholara!
Sa mga shoong naka jigaztra sa julapung!"
-Rustom Padilla
||||||||||
Sa canteen…
Juan: Miss, isang babaeng siopao nga!
Waitress: Babaeng siopao?
Juan: Oo, ‘yung may papel na sapin, kumbaga, may napkin.
Waitress: Ah, ganun ba? Ang andito, bakla.
Juan: Bakla?
Waitress: May sapin din pero may itlog sa loob!
||||||||||
Berto: Uuwi na ako at gusto ko nang hubarin ang panty ng misis ko.
Juancho: Hot na hot ka na, pare?
Berto: Hindi, masyadong masikip sa akin, eh.
||||||||||
Girlfriend: (nagtetext) Break na tayo! Ang pangit mo! Walang kwenta ka!
Boyfriend: (nagreply) Huh? Anu ginawa ko? May kasalanan ba akong nagawa sayo?
Girlfriend: Ay sorry honey! Wrong send! I love you!
Boyfriend: Ahh ganun….I love u too….
||||||||||
MILITARY MOTTO'S:
ARMY-no retreat, no surrender!
AIRFORCE- no guts, no glory!
NAVY - no pain, no gain!
POLICE- no valor, no honor!
SECURITY GUARD- NO ID, NO ENTRY!
Tigasin din! yahaha!
||||||||||
Mga pagbabago:
Noon, pag maganda, ligawan mo na agad.
Ngayon, pag maganda, titigan mo muna mabuti baka bakla.
Noon, konti lang ang lalaking guwapo.
Ngayon, konting guwapo lang ang tunay na lalaki.
Noon, pag guwapo, babaero.
Ngayon, pati mga panget, babaero.
||||||||||
Sa ospital, mag-isang nagfill-up si lola ng medical record
Lola: magtanong na nga iha, ano ba ilalagay dina sa status?
Nurse: uhm, may asawa po ba kayo lola?
Lola: meron.
Nurse: married na lang lagay mo 'la.
Lola: di naman kami kasal eh, flirt flirt lang yun...
Nurse: Hmmm, sige lagay nyo na lang po single.
Lola: pero nag-secret marriage kami dati sa barangay...
Nurse: ahmmm... sige po lagay nyo na lang.........
It's complicated. ü
||||||||||
pilot to tower:
wala na kaming fuel, 400 miles kami from airport.
give your instructions, over!
tower:
ok, listen and listen well...
repeat after me..
Our Father, who art in heaven.....
||||||||||
Labels:
funny,
pinoy jokes,
tagalog
Miracle
A little girl went to her bedroom and pulled a glass jelly jar from its hiding place in the closet.
She poured the change out on the floor and counted it carefully. Three times, even The total had to be exactly perfect. No chance here for mistakes.
Carefully placing the coins back in the jar and twisting on the cap, she slipped out the back door and made her way 6 blocks to Rexall's Drug Store with the big red Indian Chief sign above the door.
She waited patiently for the pharmacist to give her some attention, but he was too busy at this moment. Tess twisted her feet to make a scuffing noise. Nothing. She cleared her throat with the most disgusting sound she could muster. No good Finally she took a quarter from her jar and banged it on the glass counter. That did it!
'And what do you want?' the pharmacist asked in an annoyed tone of voice. I'm talking to my brother from Chicago whom I haven't seen in ages,' he said without waiting for a reply to his question.
'Well, I want to talk to you about my brother,' Tess answered back in the same annoyed tone. 'He's really, really sick...and I want to buy a miracle.'
'I beg your pardon?' said the pharmacist.
'His name is Andrew and he has something bad growing inside his head and my Daddy says only a miracle can save him now So how much does a miracle cost?'
'We don't sell miracles here, little girl. I'm sorry but I can't help you,' the pharmacist said, softening a little.
'Listen, I have the money to pay for it. If it isn't enough, I will get
the rest. Just tell me ho w much it costs.'
The pharmacist's brother was a well dressed man He stooped down and asked the little girl, 'What kind of a miracle does your brother need?'
' I don't know,' Tess replied with her eyes welling up. I just know he's really sick and Mommy says he needs an operation. But my Daddy can't pay for it, so I want to use my money.'
'How much do you have?' asked the man from Chicago
'One dollar and eleven cents,' Tess answered barely audibly.
'And it's all the money I have, but I can get some more if I need to.'
'Well, what a coincidence,' smiled the man. 'A dollar and eleven cents---the exact price of a miracle for little brothers. '
He took her money in one hand and with the other hand he grasped her mitten and said 'Take me to where you live. I want to see your brother and meet your parents. Let's see if I have the miracle you need.'
That well dressed man was Dr. Carlton Armstrong, a surgeon, specializing in neuro-surgery. The operation was completed free of charge and it wasn't long until Andrew was home again and doing well.
Mom and Dad were happily talking about the chain of events that had led them to this place.
'That surgery,' her Mom whispered. 'was a real miracle. I wonder how much it would have cost?'
Tess smiled. She knew exactly how much a miracle cost..one dollar and eleven cents....plus the faith of a little child.
In our lives, we never know how many miracles we will need.
A miracle is not the suspension of natural law, but the operation of a higher law.
I know you'll keep the ball moving!
Here it goes. Throw it back to someone who means something to you!
A ball is a circle, no beginning, no end. It keeps us together like our Circle of Friends. But the treasure inside for you to see is the treasure of friendship you've granted to me.
Today I pass the friendship ball to you.
Pass it on to someone who is a friend
to you.
MY OATH TO YOU...
When you are sad.....I will dry your
tears.
When you are scared.....I will comfort your fears.
When
you are worried.....I will give you hope.
When you are confused.........I
will help you cope.
And when you are lost...And can't see the light, I
shall be your beacon....Shining ever so bright.
This is my oath.....I
pledge till the end.
Why you may ask?....Because you're my friend.
Signed: GOD
She poured the change out on the floor and counted it carefully. Three times, even The total had to be exactly perfect. No chance here for mistakes.
Carefully placing the coins back in the jar and twisting on the cap, she slipped out the back door and made her way 6 blocks to Rexall's Drug Store with the big red Indian Chief sign above the door.
She waited patiently for the pharmacist to give her some attention, but he was too busy at this moment. Tess twisted her feet to make a scuffing noise. Nothing. She cleared her throat with the most disgusting sound she could muster. No good Finally she took a quarter from her jar and banged it on the glass counter. That did it!
'And what do you want?' the pharmacist asked in an annoyed tone of voice. I'm talking to my brother from Chicago whom I haven't seen in ages,' he said without waiting for a reply to his question.
'Well, I want to talk to you about my brother,' Tess answered back in the same annoyed tone. 'He's really, really sick...and I want to buy a miracle.'
'I beg your pardon?' said the pharmacist.
'His name is Andrew and he has something bad growing inside his head and my Daddy says only a miracle can save him now So how much does a miracle cost?'
'We don't sell miracles here, little girl. I'm sorry but I can't help you,' the pharmacist said, softening a little.
'Listen, I have the money to pay for it. If it isn't enough, I will get
the rest. Just tell me ho w much it costs.'
The pharmacist's brother was a well dressed man He stooped down and asked the little girl, 'What kind of a miracle does your brother need?'
' I don't know,' Tess replied with her eyes welling up. I just know he's really sick and Mommy says he needs an operation. But my Daddy can't pay for it, so I want to use my money.'
'How much do you have?' asked the man from Chicago
'One dollar and eleven cents,' Tess answered barely audibly.
'And it's all the money I have, but I can get some more if I need to.'
'Well, what a coincidence,' smiled the man. 'A dollar and eleven cents---the exact price of a miracle for little brothers. '
He took her money in one hand and with the other hand he grasped her mitten and said 'Take me to where you live. I want to see your brother and meet your parents. Let's see if I have the miracle you need.'
That well dressed man was Dr. Carlton Armstrong, a surgeon, specializing in neuro-surgery. The operation was completed free of charge and it wasn't long until Andrew was home again and doing well.
Mom and Dad were happily talking about the chain of events that had led them to this place.
'That surgery,' her Mom whispered. 'was a real miracle. I wonder how much it would have cost?'
Tess smiled. She knew exactly how much a miracle cost..one dollar and eleven cents....plus the faith of a little child.
In our lives, we never know how many miracles we will need.
A miracle is not the suspension of natural law, but the operation of a higher law.
I know you'll keep the ball moving!
Here it goes. Throw it back to someone who means something to you!
A ball is a circle, no beginning, no end. It keeps us together like our Circle of Friends. But the treasure inside for you to see is the treasure of friendship you've granted to me.
Today I pass the friendship ball to you.
Pass it on to someone who is a friend
to you.
MY OATH TO YOU...
When you are sad.....I will dry your
tears.
When you are scared.....I will comfort your fears.
When
you are worried.....I will give you hope.
When you are confused.........I
will help you cope.
And when you are lost...And can't see the light, I
shall be your beacon....Shining ever so bright.
This is my oath.....I
pledge till the end.
Why you may ask?....Because you're my friend.
Signed: GOD
Labels:
inspirational,
story
Pinoy Jokes Collection #5
A Filipino, a Chinese man, and a Japanese guy are in a bar having a drink. When a gorgeous woman comes up to them and says, "Whoever can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' in a creative sentence can have me for tonight."
So the Chinese guy says "I love liver and cheese." She says "That's not good enough"
The Japanese man says "I hate liver and cheese" She says "That's not creative"
Finally, the Filipino says "Liver alone, cheese mine!"
||||||||||
What's the difference between corruption in the USA and corruption in the Philippines ? In the US , they go to jail. In the Philippines , they go to US!
||||||||||
Lulubog na ang barko...
PARI: San Pedro, San Jose ...
MADRE: Sta. Fe, Sta. Lucia, Sta. Clara...
INTSIK: lubok na balko! tawak pa kayo pasahelo!
||||||||||
Bakit laging Intsik ang kinikidnap?
Kasi pag Pinoy - hulugan!
Pag Bumbay - 5-6!
Pag Kano - credit card!
E pag Intsik - C.O.D.!!!!
||||||||||
Operator: AT&T, How may I help you?
Pinoy: Heyloow. Ay wud like to long distans da Pilipins, plis.
Operator: Name of the party you're calling?
Pinoy: Aybegurpardon? Can you repit agen plis?
Operator: What is the name of the person you are calling?
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu and sori. Da name of my calling is Elpidio Abanquil.
Operator: Please spell out the name of the person you're calling phonetically.
Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. What is foneticali?
Operator: Please spell out the letters comprising the name a letter at a time and citing a word for each letter.
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Da name of Elpidio Abanquel is Elpidio Abanquel. I will spell his name foneticali,
Elpidio:
E as in Elpidio,
L as in lpidio,
P as in pidio,
I as in idio,
D as in dio,
I as in io, and
O as in o.
Operator: Sir, can you please use English words.
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Abanquel:
A as in Airport agen,
B as in Because,
A as in airport agen,
N as in enemy,
Q as in Cuba ,
U as in Europe ,
E as in important, and
L as in elephant.
||||||||||
Juan: Nay, alis na po ako. Male-late na ako sa school.
Nanay: Anak sandali, eto yung baon mong sandwich at juice. Eto na din yung pananghalian mo para mamayang lunch break. Eto yung panyo, 2 bimpo, extra t-shirt at shorts baka pagpawisan ka at madumihan. Eto na din ang pulbos mo at cologne. Nasa bag na yung tubig pati yung payong at sumbrero mo. May tsinelas din diyan pag napagod na paa mo sa shoes. O, etong pera pamasahe.
Juan: amp*tah! Camping?! Absent na lang ako nay.
Ang kulet! hahaha
May pinuntahan akong kainan, may pancit canton. May regular at special. Yung regular ay 30 pesos, samantalang yung special ay 35 pesos Tinanong ko sa kahera kong anong pinagkaiba:
Ako: Ano po pagkakaiba ng regular at special?
Kahera: umm...yung special po, malinis po ang platong pinaglagyan.
||||||||||
Sa isang clinic…
DOK: Aba! Grabe naman ang lalim ng butas ng flower mo! Aba! Grabe naman ang lalim ng butas ng flower mo!
PROSTI: Si dok naman! Kailangan ba tala¬gang ulit-ulitin mo pa?
DOK: Hindi ko inulit, ineng! Nag-echo lang! Hindi ko inulit, ineng! Nag-echo lang!
||||||||||
So the Chinese guy says "I love liver and cheese." She says "That's not good enough"
The Japanese man says "I hate liver and cheese" She says "That's not creative"
Finally, the Filipino says "Liver alone, cheese mine!"
||||||||||
What's the difference between corruption in the USA and corruption in the Philippines ? In the US , they go to jail. In the Philippines , they go to US!
||||||||||
Lulubog na ang barko...
PARI: San Pedro, San Jose ...
MADRE: Sta. Fe, Sta. Lucia, Sta. Clara...
INTSIK: lubok na balko! tawak pa kayo pasahelo!
||||||||||
Bakit laging Intsik ang kinikidnap?
Kasi pag Pinoy - hulugan!
Pag Bumbay - 5-6!
Pag Kano - credit card!
E pag Intsik - C.O.D.!!!!
||||||||||
Operator: AT&T, How may I help you?
Pinoy: Heyloow. Ay wud like to long distans da Pilipins, plis.
Operator: Name of the party you're calling?
Pinoy: Aybegurpardon? Can you repit agen plis?
Operator: What is the name of the person you are calling?
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu and sori. Da name of my calling is Elpidio Abanquil.
Operator: Please spell out the name of the person you're calling phonetically.
Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. What is foneticali?
Operator: Please spell out the letters comprising the name a letter at a time and citing a word for each letter.
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Da name of Elpidio Abanquel is Elpidio Abanquel. I will spell his name foneticali,
Elpidio:
E as in Elpidio,
L as in lpidio,
P as in pidio,
I as in idio,
D as in dio,
I as in io, and
O as in o.
Operator: Sir, can you please use English words.
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Abanquel:
A as in Airport agen,
B as in Because,
A as in airport agen,
N as in enemy,
Q as in Cuba ,
U as in Europe ,
E as in important, and
L as in elephant.
||||||||||
Juan: Nay, alis na po ako. Male-late na ako sa school.
Nanay: Anak sandali, eto yung baon mong sandwich at juice. Eto na din yung pananghalian mo para mamayang lunch break. Eto yung panyo, 2 bimpo, extra t-shirt at shorts baka pagpawisan ka at madumihan. Eto na din ang pulbos mo at cologne. Nasa bag na yung tubig pati yung payong at sumbrero mo. May tsinelas din diyan pag napagod na paa mo sa shoes. O, etong pera pamasahe.
Juan: amp*tah! Camping?! Absent na lang ako nay.
Ang kulet! hahaha
May pinuntahan akong kainan, may pancit canton. May regular at special. Yung regular ay 30 pesos, samantalang yung special ay 35 pesos Tinanong ko sa kahera kong anong pinagkaiba:
Ako: Ano po pagkakaiba ng regular at special?
Kahera: umm...yung special po, malinis po ang platong pinaglagyan.
||||||||||
Sa isang clinic…
DOK: Aba! Grabe naman ang lalim ng butas ng flower mo! Aba! Grabe naman ang lalim ng butas ng flower mo!
PROSTI: Si dok naman! Kailangan ba tala¬gang ulit-ulitin mo pa?
DOK: Hindi ko inulit, ineng! Nag-echo lang! Hindi ko inulit, ineng! Nag-echo lang!
||||||||||
Labels:
funny,
pinoy jokes,
tagalog
Engineers & Doctors
7 Engineers and 7 Doctors are going from PUNE to Mumbai. So both groups gather at Pune Station.
Both groups are desperately trying to prove theirsuperiority .
SCENE 1 (PUNE- MUMBAI):
7 engineers take only 1 Ticket and 7 doctors buy all 7 tickets..
Doctors are desperately waiting for TC to come.......
When TC arrives, all 7 Engineers get in one toilet so when TC knocks, one hand come out with the ticket and the TC goes away.....
NOW on return Journey All of them don't get a direct Train to PUNE. So they all decide to take a Passenger till Lonavala, from there they can easily get a LOCAL to PUNE
SCENE 2 (MUMBAI - LONAVALA):
Doctors decided, "this time we will prove that we too are equal"....All 7 Doctors take 1 Ticket Engineers don't buy any ticket at all!!!!!..
TC arrives....
ALL DOCTORS IN ONE TOILET.ALL ENGINEERS IN THE OPPOSITE.
One engineer gets out and knocks the door of Doctors toilet, One hand comes with the tickets, he takes the ticket and comes in Engg. Bathroom... TC DRIVES out ALL the doctors from the toilet and they are heavily fined.
SCENE 3 ( LONAVALA): !
SO now both the group r on LONAVALA station. Doctors planning their move for last chance, they board the local to Pune.
This time doctors decide that they will play the same (1 ticket) trick.
ALL Doctors take 1 tickets...Engineers BUY all 7 tickets this time...
SO TC Comes.. All Engineers showed their tickets ............. ....... .....
Doctors are still searching for toilet in the LOCAL train....... ....
Conclusion: Technically intelligent people are genius, don't mess with Engineers.
So Send This Mail to all the tech Guys & Gals
Both groups are desperately trying to prove theirsuperiority .
SCENE 1 (PUNE- MUMBAI):
7 engineers take only 1 Ticket and 7 doctors buy all 7 tickets..
Doctors are desperately waiting for TC to come.......
When TC arrives, all 7 Engineers get in one toilet so when TC knocks, one hand come out with the ticket and the TC goes away.....
NOW on return Journey All of them don't get a direct Train to PUNE. So they all decide to take a Passenger till Lonavala, from there they can easily get a LOCAL to PUNE
SCENE 2 (MUMBAI - LONAVALA):
Doctors decided, "this time we will prove that we too are equal"....All 7 Doctors take 1 Ticket Engineers don't buy any ticket at all!!!!!..
TC arrives....
ALL DOCTORS IN ONE TOILET.ALL ENGINEERS IN THE OPPOSITE.
One engineer gets out and knocks the door of Doctors toilet, One hand comes with the tickets, he takes the ticket and comes in Engg. Bathroom... TC DRIVES out ALL the doctors from the toilet and they are heavily fined.
SCENE 3 ( LONAVALA): !
SO now both the group r on LONAVALA station. Doctors planning their move for last chance, they board the local to Pune.
This time doctors decide that they will play the same (1 ticket) trick.
ALL Doctors take 1 tickets...Engineers BUY all 7 tickets this time...
SO TC Comes.. All Engineers showed their tickets ............. ....... .....
Doctors are still searching for toilet in the LOCAL train....... ....
Conclusion: Technically intelligent people are genius, don't mess with Engineers.
So Send This Mail to all the tech Guys & Gals
Pinoy Jokes Collection #4
BATA: pabili po ng ubas
TINDERA: wala kaming ubas...
KINABUKASAN,
BATA: pabili nga po ng ubas...
TINDERA: wala nga kaming ubas. Isa pang tanong mo, i-stapler ko na yang bibig mo!
KINABUKASAN,
BATA: may istapler kayo?
TINDERA: wala, baket?
BATA: pabili ng ubas...
||||||||||
KASAL:
Fr: Ikaw lalaki, tinatanggap mo ba maging kabiyak ang taong ito habang buhay?
Lalaki: Yes, Father.
Fr. At Ikaw naman, malanding pokpok kang bakla ka. Akala mo siguro ang ganda mo dyan sa gown mo.Mukha ka pa ring kabayo. Tinatanggap mo ba ang lalaking ito na hindi ka magsisisi kahit magka baon-baon ka sa utang sa pagsustento sa knya?
Bakla: Father, sabihin nyo lang kung tutol kayo sa kasal na to. Kesa tumalak talak ka dyan, naka mic ka pa man din.
||||||||||
sa fastfood..
fast food crew: ano order niyo sir?
man: 1 large burger and large soft drink
crew: dito po ba kakainin?
man: pwede sa table na lang? nakakahiya may nakapila pa kasi sa likuran e
||||||||||
isang lasing nasalubong ang matabang babae na may kasamang aso
Lasing: hoy, saan mo nakuha yang baboy?
Babae: aso ito hindi baboy!
Lasing: huwag ka nga sumabat! yung aso ang kausap ko!*
||||||||||
BOY: Tay, damot ng classmate ko!
TATAY: Bakit naman?
BOY: di kasi sya nag invite sa burol ng tatay nya e! Di ako nakakain ng biskwit!! Bwisit sya! Di ko rin sya iinvite sa burol mo tay ha!
||||||||||
ANAK: nay, bili mo ako baril. barilin ko si kuya.
NANAY: anak, bad yan!
ANAK: edi espada na lang para saksakin ko si tatay.
NANAY: naku anak! *** di makakasakit ng tao.
ANAK: manika na lang pala, 'nay.
NANAY: good! yan ang mabait na bata.
ANAK: samahan mo na ng karayon para kulamin kita ha, 'nay!
||||||||||
lalake: father tulungan nyo po ako dahil; akoy nagkasala
pari: anu ba kasalanan mo anak?
lalake: pumapatay po ako sa mga naniniwala sa diyos, *** father naniniwala ka ba?
pari: ah, dati yun, ngayon trip trip na lang
||||||||||
May isang panget na lalaki na humiling sa fairy.
FAIRY: "Ano ang yong kahilingan ginoo?"
PANGET: "May mapa ako ** ng America, dalhin mo ako dun para matangpuan ang babae ng buhay ko"
FAIRY: "Hindi pwede! Dito lang sa Pilipinas gumagana ang powers ko."
PANGET: "O sige! Maging mortal na babae ka na lang at pakasalan mo ako!"
FAIRY: "Patingin nga ulit ng t*ng - in*ng mapang yan at baka magawan ng paraan!!!"
||||||||||
Teacher: Class, my name is MS. PRUKE! With R! Ang makalimot pipingutin ko!
Kinabukasan.
Teacher: Pedro, what is my name?
Pedro: Alam ko yun, with R yun eh! Mam! MS. PREKPREK!
TINDERA: wala kaming ubas...
KINABUKASAN,
BATA: pabili nga po ng ubas...
TINDERA: wala nga kaming ubas. Isa pang tanong mo, i-stapler ko na yang bibig mo!
KINABUKASAN,
BATA: may istapler kayo?
TINDERA: wala, baket?
BATA: pabili ng ubas...
||||||||||
KASAL:
Fr: Ikaw lalaki, tinatanggap mo ba maging kabiyak ang taong ito habang buhay?
Lalaki: Yes, Father.
Fr. At Ikaw naman, malanding pokpok kang bakla ka. Akala mo siguro ang ganda mo dyan sa gown mo.Mukha ka pa ring kabayo. Tinatanggap mo ba ang lalaking ito na hindi ka magsisisi kahit magka baon-baon ka sa utang sa pagsustento sa knya?
Bakla: Father, sabihin nyo lang kung tutol kayo sa kasal na to. Kesa tumalak talak ka dyan, naka mic ka pa man din.
||||||||||
sa fastfood..
fast food crew: ano order niyo sir?
man: 1 large burger and large soft drink
crew: dito po ba kakainin?
man: pwede sa table na lang? nakakahiya may nakapila pa kasi sa likuran e
||||||||||
isang lasing nasalubong ang matabang babae na may kasamang aso
Lasing: hoy, saan mo nakuha yang baboy?
Babae: aso ito hindi baboy!
Lasing: huwag ka nga sumabat! yung aso ang kausap ko!*
||||||||||
BOY: Tay, damot ng classmate ko!
TATAY: Bakit naman?
BOY: di kasi sya nag invite sa burol ng tatay nya e! Di ako nakakain ng biskwit!! Bwisit sya! Di ko rin sya iinvite sa burol mo tay ha!
||||||||||
ANAK: nay, bili mo ako baril. barilin ko si kuya.
NANAY: anak, bad yan!
ANAK: edi espada na lang para saksakin ko si tatay.
NANAY: naku anak! *** di makakasakit ng tao.
ANAK: manika na lang pala, 'nay.
NANAY: good! yan ang mabait na bata.
ANAK: samahan mo na ng karayon para kulamin kita ha, 'nay!
||||||||||
lalake: father tulungan nyo po ako dahil; akoy nagkasala
pari: anu ba kasalanan mo anak?
lalake: pumapatay po ako sa mga naniniwala sa diyos, *** father naniniwala ka ba?
pari: ah, dati yun, ngayon trip trip na lang
||||||||||
May isang panget na lalaki na humiling sa fairy.
FAIRY: "Ano ang yong kahilingan ginoo?"
PANGET: "May mapa ako ** ng America, dalhin mo ako dun para matangpuan ang babae ng buhay ko"
FAIRY: "Hindi pwede! Dito lang sa Pilipinas gumagana ang powers ko."
PANGET: "O sige! Maging mortal na babae ka na lang at pakasalan mo ako!"
FAIRY: "Patingin nga ulit ng t*ng - in*ng mapang yan at baka magawan ng paraan!!!"
||||||||||
Teacher: Class, my name is MS. PRUKE! With R! Ang makalimot pipingutin ko!
Kinabukasan.
Teacher: Pedro, what is my name?
Pedro: Alam ko yun, with R yun eh! Mam! MS. PREKPREK!
Labels:
funny,
pinoy jokes,
tagalog
Break-up Lines
1. "I just realized that I don't want to be
attached."
-- duh?!
2. "I'm confused and I need some time out to find
myself!!!"
-- Eto flashlight, go look for yourself!
3. "Maybe this is not the right time for us."
-- Anak ng tipaklong! di na kita tatanggapin ulit
no?! Bakit?
anong oras ba dapat?! alas-otso?????
4. "Di kita maalagaan ng tulad ng ineexpect mo.
You deserve someone better. That's not me."
-- Bakit sinabi ko bang gusto ko ng YAYA????
5. "Lasing lang ako kagabi. Sorry."
-- Eh ako ba lasing? Sino nagsabi sa iyo na
manligaw ka ng
lasing!
6. "We are too different from each other."
-- Bakit anong klaseng ANIMAL ka??
7. "We have to meet other people to see what it's
like to be with someone else. I'm giving you that choice. if you come
back
to me, we'll both be better from having chosen freely."
-- HoY! mga palusot mo! break kung break! dami
mo pang satsat eh!
8. "Someday, hahanapin kita, when we're both
ready. When we don't care about the odds. Kung tayo talaga, tayo rin in
the
end, di ba?"
-- tataguan na kita! kala mo!
9. "I really think that we should break
up." "Why?" "Because I don't know if I still love you."
--Tapos next week may kasama na siyang iba.
Olrayt sa okei!
10. "I just realized I haven't had time to walk
my dog..."
-- O cge! lakad mo na rin buong pamilya mo!
magsama kayo ng aso mo!
11. "It's not you, it's me...
--Buti alam mo
12. "Talagang kapatid/kaibigan lang ang turing ko
sa 'yo, e. Let's keep it that way."
--ganun mo pala ituring ang kapatid/kaibigan mo...
tsk... tsk...
13. "we are not growing anymore."
--nakalimutan ko nasa talampakan pala ang utak
mo
14. "I don't have feelings for you anymore."
--Wala ka kcng puso!
15. "i need space..."
--dun ka sa OUTER SPACE!
16. "Mahahanap mo rin ang para sa iyo. Good luck
na lang."
--Magtago kang mabuti ha, ayaw na kitang makita
17. "We don't fit in together."
--yeah yeah right!
18. "sorry kisses, di ka gusto ng mama ko"
--di ko rin gus2 nanay mo!
19. "Sorry, I just realized mas gusto ko sa
lalake "
--eh di umamin ka rin! bading!
20. "let's call it QUITS! "
--QUITS mo mukha mo!
21. "Pupunta na ako sa America and I won't come
back. Don't follow me there, please."
--Bat sa AMerica? bat di na lng sa IRAQ?
22. " Na Realize ko mahal ko papala Ex ko "
--Cnong Ex?? May pumatol pa pala sayo?!?!?!?!
23. " Masyado kang Bata "
--Mamasan pala ang gusto mo
24. " Kung talagang tayo kahit saang sulok ng
mundo magtatagpo tayo"
--Hinding hindi na tayo magtatagpo. period.
25. "it was not meant to be ... so honey i am
setting you free to look for your destiny"
--may pa-destiny destiny ka pang nalalaman!
26. "our time together was beautiful ... but i
realized that there are still things i like to discover so ..."
--Ikaw ba c Magellan ha???
27. "you are too immature for me..."
--OO na, MAMASAN nga ang gus2 mo eh
28. "It seems that we are not compatible with
each other."
--nde nga, TAO ako, HAYUP ka!
29. "Tama na. Ayoko na. "
--Eh di WAG!!!!
30. " i've decided to move on with my life... "
-- go on, basta wag ka ng magpapakita..
31. "DI NA KITA MAHAL?"
-- bakit, mahal ba kita?
attached."
-- duh?!
2. "I'm confused and I need some time out to find
myself!!!"
-- Eto flashlight, go look for yourself!
3. "Maybe this is not the right time for us."
-- Anak ng tipaklong! di na kita tatanggapin ulit
no?! Bakit?
anong oras ba dapat?! alas-otso?????
4. "Di kita maalagaan ng tulad ng ineexpect mo.
You deserve someone better. That's not me."
-- Bakit sinabi ko bang gusto ko ng YAYA????
5. "Lasing lang ako kagabi. Sorry."
-- Eh ako ba lasing? Sino nagsabi sa iyo na
manligaw ka ng
lasing!
6. "We are too different from each other."
-- Bakit anong klaseng ANIMAL ka??
7. "We have to meet other people to see what it's
like to be with someone else. I'm giving you that choice. if you come
back
to me, we'll both be better from having chosen freely."
-- HoY! mga palusot mo! break kung break! dami
mo pang satsat eh!
8. "Someday, hahanapin kita, when we're both
ready. When we don't care about the odds. Kung tayo talaga, tayo rin in
the
end, di ba?"
-- tataguan na kita! kala mo!
9. "I really think that we should break
up." "Why?" "Because I don't know if I still love you."
--Tapos next week may kasama na siyang iba.
Olrayt sa okei!
10. "I just realized I haven't had time to walk
my dog..."
-- O cge! lakad mo na rin buong pamilya mo!
magsama kayo ng aso mo!
11. "It's not you, it's me...
--Buti alam mo
12. "Talagang kapatid/kaibigan lang ang turing ko
sa 'yo, e. Let's keep it that way."
--ganun mo pala ituring ang kapatid/kaibigan mo...
tsk... tsk...
13. "we are not growing anymore."
--nakalimutan ko nasa talampakan pala ang utak
mo
14. "I don't have feelings for you anymore."
--Wala ka kcng puso!
15. "i need space..."
--dun ka sa OUTER SPACE!
16. "Mahahanap mo rin ang para sa iyo. Good luck
na lang."
--Magtago kang mabuti ha, ayaw na kitang makita
17. "We don't fit in together."
--yeah yeah right!
18. "sorry kisses, di ka gusto ng mama ko"
--di ko rin gus2 nanay mo!
19. "Sorry, I just realized mas gusto ko sa
lalake "
--eh di umamin ka rin! bading!
20. "let's call it QUITS! "
--QUITS mo mukha mo!
21. "Pupunta na ako sa America and I won't come
back. Don't follow me there, please."
--Bat sa AMerica? bat di na lng sa IRAQ?
22. " Na Realize ko mahal ko papala Ex ko "
--Cnong Ex?? May pumatol pa pala sayo?!?!?!?!
23. " Masyado kang Bata "
--Mamasan pala ang gusto mo
24. " Kung talagang tayo kahit saang sulok ng
mundo magtatagpo tayo"
--Hinding hindi na tayo magtatagpo. period.
25. "it was not meant to be ... so honey i am
setting you free to look for your destiny"
--may pa-destiny destiny ka pang nalalaman!
26. "our time together was beautiful ... but i
realized that there are still things i like to discover so ..."
--Ikaw ba c Magellan ha???
27. "you are too immature for me..."
--OO na, MAMASAN nga ang gus2 mo eh
28. "It seems that we are not compatible with
each other."
--nde nga, TAO ako, HAYUP ka!
29. "Tama na. Ayoko na. "
--Eh di WAG!!!!
30. " i've decided to move on with my life... "
-- go on, basta wag ka ng magpapakita..
31. "DI NA KITA MAHAL?"
-- bakit, mahal ba kita?
Labels:
break-up lines,
funny,
tagalog
Melanie Marquez Quotable Quotes
My brother is not a girl; he's a gentleman.
||||||||||
That's why I'm a success. It's because I don't middle in other people's lives.
||||||||||
Don't judge my brother, he's not a book.
||||||||||
I won't stoop down to my level.
||||||||||
Hello? Bulag ka ba? Bingi ka ba? Are you Dep?
||||||||||
'Yung STD, baka sa maruming toilet lang niya nakuha yan.
||||||||||
Eh, ikaw ba naman, durugin and ari mo....Pag di ka naman manutok ng baril.
||||||||||
We are lovers, not fighters.
||||||||||
Kapatid ko pa rin siya, we are one and the same.
||||||||||
I don't eat meat, I'm not a carnival.
||||||||||
(During her acceptance speech at a Metro Filmfest Awards night where her bioflick, directed by her late father Temyong Marquez, won and award) Eto na po ang pinakamaligayang pasko at manigong taon sa inyong lahat.
||||||||||
Sumasakit ang Migrane ko.
||||||||||
Ang tatay ko, ang only living legend na buhay!
||||||||||
(When asked on S-files if her present husband, Adam Lawyer, is her Mr. Right, she said)
Period na talaga; wala nang exclamation point.
||||||||||
(At a talk show after her break up with Derek Dee, Melanie was aked if she had some words for Derek's mother, whom she partly blamed for the separation)
"Oo nga", said Melanie,"pero I-Enlish-in ko para maintindihan niya." Then Melanie looked into the camera and, with the peremptoriness of royalty, she said, "And to you, Mrs Dee, I have two words for you. Ang labo mo!".
||||||||||
When asked for a message to her daugher who was allegedly abused by their houseboy: "Dont worry little angel, big angel is here".
||||||||||
On what they should do to the houseboy who molested her kid:"He should be put behind bar". You can fool me once, you can fool me twice, you can fool me thrice, but you can never fool me four".
||||||||||
While waiting backstage during the noontime show, after watching Nikki Valdez do her dance number."Nikki, you're so galing. You should go to the states. You will sell hotcakes".
||||||||||
||||||||||
That's why I'm a success. It's because I don't middle in other people's lives.
||||||||||
Don't judge my brother, he's not a book.
||||||||||
I won't stoop down to my level.
||||||||||
Hello? Bulag ka ba? Bingi ka ba? Are you Dep?
||||||||||
'Yung STD, baka sa maruming toilet lang niya nakuha yan.
||||||||||
Eh, ikaw ba naman, durugin and ari mo....Pag di ka naman manutok ng baril.
||||||||||
We are lovers, not fighters.
||||||||||
Kapatid ko pa rin siya, we are one and the same.
||||||||||
I don't eat meat, I'm not a carnival.
||||||||||
(During her acceptance speech at a Metro Filmfest Awards night where her bioflick, directed by her late father Temyong Marquez, won and award) Eto na po ang pinakamaligayang pasko at manigong taon sa inyong lahat.
||||||||||
Sumasakit ang Migrane ko.
||||||||||
Ang tatay ko, ang only living legend na buhay!
||||||||||
(When asked on S-files if her present husband, Adam Lawyer, is her Mr. Right, she said)
Period na talaga; wala nang exclamation point.
||||||||||
(At a talk show after her break up with Derek Dee, Melanie was aked if she had some words for Derek's mother, whom she partly blamed for the separation)
"Oo nga", said Melanie,"pero I-Enlish-in ko para maintindihan niya." Then Melanie looked into the camera and, with the peremptoriness of royalty, she said, "And to you, Mrs Dee, I have two words for you. Ang labo mo!".
||||||||||
When asked for a message to her daugher who was allegedly abused by their houseboy: "Dont worry little angel, big angel is here".
||||||||||
On what they should do to the houseboy who molested her kid:"He should be put behind bar". You can fool me once, you can fool me twice, you can fool me thrice, but you can never fool me four".
||||||||||
While waiting backstage during the noontime show, after watching Nikki Valdez do her dance number."Nikki, you're so galing. You should go to the states. You will sell hotcakes".
||||||||||
Labels:
celebrity,
funny,
melanie marquez,
quotes,
tagalog
Pick-up Lines na Malulupit
1. Minamalat na naman ang puso ko..
*** paano kasi, laging sinisigaw ang pangalan mo..
2. Ikaw ba may-ari ng Crayola??
*** ikaw kasi nagbibigay ng kulay sa buhay ko..
3. Uy picture tayo!!
*** para ma-develop tayo!!
4. Kung ikaw ay bola at ako ang player, mashushoot ba kita??
*** hinde, para lagi kita mamimiss..
5. Can i take your picture??
*** coz i want to show Santa exactly what i want for christmas!!
6. Exam ka ba??
*** gustong gusto na kasi kitang i-take home eh!!
7. Lecture mo ba ako??
*** lab kasi kita..
8. Centrum ka ba??
*** kasi you make my life complete!!
9. Miss pwede ba
kita maging driver??
*** para ikaw na magpapatakbo ng buhay ko..
10. Mahilig ka ba sa asukal??
*** ang tamis kasi ng mga ngiti mo..
11. Pinaglihi ka ba sa keyboard??
*** kasi type kita..
12. I hate to say this but... You are like my underwear..
*** coz i can't last a day without you!!
13. Ibibili kita ng salbabida..
*** kasi malulunod ka sa pagmamahal ko..
14. Pwede ba kitang maging sidecar??
*** single kasi ako eh..
15.Me lisensya ka ba??
*** coz you're driving me crazy eh..
16. May kilala ka bang gumagawa ng rel??
*** may sira ata relo ko.. pag ikaw kasi kasama ko, humihinto ang oras ko..
17. Grabe nakakatawa yung mga pick-up lines noh?? hahaha! May alam ka pa bang iba?? Wala na akong maisip eh..
*** coz all i ever think of is you..
18. I'm a bee..
*** can you be my honey??
19. Nakakatakot diba ang multo??
*** pero mas nakakatakot kapag nawala ka sa buhay ko..
20. Am i a bad shooter??
*** coz i keep on missing you..
21. May lahi ka bang aswang??
*** ang pangit mo kasi eh..
22. Naniniwala ka ba sa love at first sight??
*** O gusto mong dumaan ulit ako??
23. Mabilis ka siguro sa mga puzzle noh??
*** kasi kakasimula pa lang ng araw ko, pero nabuo mo na agad..
24. Excuse me.. Are you a dictionary??
*** because you give meaning to my life..
25. Bangin ka ba??
*** nahuhulog kasi ako sa'yo..
26. Pustiso ka ba??
*** kasi, can't smile without you..
27. Pagod na pagod ka na noh??
*** maghapon at magdamag kana kasing tumatakbo sa isipan ko eh..
28. Me butas ba puso mo??
*** kasi natrap na ako sa loob, can't find my way out!!
29. Anung height mo??
*** ha?? pano ka nagkasya sa loob ng puso ko..
30. Hey, did you fart??
*** coz you blew me away!!
31. Sana "T" na lang ako..
*** para i'm always right next to "U"
32. Are you Jamaican??
*** kasi Ja-maican me crazy!!
33. Ako ay isang exam¦ kaya sagutin mo na ako...
*** paano kasi, laging sinisigaw ang pangalan mo..
2. Ikaw ba may-ari ng Crayola??
*** ikaw kasi nagbibigay ng kulay sa buhay ko..
3. Uy picture tayo!!
*** para ma-develop tayo!!
4. Kung ikaw ay bola at ako ang player, mashushoot ba kita??
*** hinde, para lagi kita mamimiss..
5. Can i take your picture??
*** coz i want to show Santa exactly what i want for christmas!!
6. Exam ka ba??
*** gustong gusto na kasi kitang i-take home eh!!
7. Lecture mo ba ako??
*** lab kasi kita..
8. Centrum ka ba??
*** kasi you make my life complete!!
9. Miss pwede ba
kita maging driver??
*** para ikaw na magpapatakbo ng buhay ko..
10. Mahilig ka ba sa asukal??
*** ang tamis kasi ng mga ngiti mo..
11. Pinaglihi ka ba sa keyboard??
*** kasi type kita..
12. I hate to say this but... You are like my underwear..
*** coz i can't last a day without you!!
13. Ibibili kita ng salbabida..
*** kasi malulunod ka sa pagmamahal ko..
14. Pwede ba kitang maging sidecar??
*** single kasi ako eh..
15.Me lisensya ka ba??
*** coz you're driving me crazy eh..
16. May kilala ka bang gumagawa ng rel??
*** may sira ata relo ko.. pag ikaw kasi kasama ko, humihinto ang oras ko..
17. Grabe nakakatawa yung mga pick-up lines noh?? hahaha! May alam ka pa bang iba?? Wala na akong maisip eh..
*** coz all i ever think of is you..
18. I'm a bee..
*** can you be my honey??
19. Nakakatakot diba ang multo??
*** pero mas nakakatakot kapag nawala ka sa buhay ko..
20. Am i a bad shooter??
*** coz i keep on missing you..
21. May lahi ka bang aswang??
*** ang pangit mo kasi eh..
22. Naniniwala ka ba sa love at first sight??
*** O gusto mong dumaan ulit ako??
23. Mabilis ka siguro sa mga puzzle noh??
*** kasi kakasimula pa lang ng araw ko, pero nabuo mo na agad..
24. Excuse me.. Are you a dictionary??
*** because you give meaning to my life..
25. Bangin ka ba??
*** nahuhulog kasi ako sa'yo..
26. Pustiso ka ba??
*** kasi, can't smile without you..
27. Pagod na pagod ka na noh??
*** maghapon at magdamag kana kasing tumatakbo sa isipan ko eh..
28. Me butas ba puso mo??
*** kasi natrap na ako sa loob, can't find my way out!!
29. Anung height mo??
*** ha?? pano ka nagkasya sa loob ng puso ko..
30. Hey, did you fart??
*** coz you blew me away!!
31. Sana "T" na lang ako..
*** para i'm always right next to "U"
32. Are you Jamaican??
*** kasi Ja-maican me crazy!!
33. Ako ay isang exam¦ kaya sagutin mo na ako...
Labels:
funny,
pick up lines
George Carlin's Views on Ageing
Do you realise that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about ageing that you think in fractions.
'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life .... . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony.. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them'
2. Keep only cheerful friends.. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life .... . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony.. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them'
2. Keep only cheerful friends.. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
Labels:
advice,
inspirational
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