Thoughts from a Man's Heart
Thought 1
When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to be liberated from?
Thought 2
The average man's life consists of:
Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
Forty years of having his wife ask the same question;
and at the end, the mourners wondering too where he is going.
Thought 3
Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed som ething in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.
The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say som ething. So he announced :
'Ladies and Gentlemen. Today is the luckiest day of my life ...' Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, 'My daughter finally, finally returned my Credit Card to me.'
The whole audience including the priest started laughing . .. . . . But not the poor Groom ! ! !
And now the Best one. .. . .. .
Thought 4
A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, 'If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.'
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, 'Stop ! Stand still ! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die.'
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. The man asked. 'Who are you?'
'I am your guardian angel,' the voice answered..
'Oh, yeah?' the man said 'And where the Hell were you when I got married?'
When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to be liberated from?
Thought 2
The average man's life consists of:
Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
Forty years of having his wife ask the same question;
and at the end, the mourners wondering too where he is going.
Thought 3
Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed som ething in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.
The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say som ething. So he announced :
'Ladies and Gentlemen. Today is the luckiest day of my life ...' Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, 'My daughter finally, finally returned my Credit Card to me.'
The whole audience including the priest started laughing . .. . . . But not the poor Groom ! ! !
And now the Best one. .. . .. .
Thought 4
A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, 'If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.'
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, 'Stop ! Stand still ! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die.'
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. The man asked. 'Who are you?'
'I am your guardian angel,' the voice answered..
'Oh, yeah?' the man said 'And where the Hell were you when I got married?'
Labels:
funny
Girls Raised in Texas
Texas Women, Kittens and Biscuits
Someone once noted that a Texan can get away with the most awful kind of insult just as long as it's prefaced with the words, "Bless her heart" or "Bless his heart."
As in, "Bless his heart, if they put his brain on the head of a pin, it'd roll around like a BB on a 6-lane highway."
I was thinking about this the other day when a friend was telling about her new transplanted northern friend who was upset because her toddler is just beginning to talk and he has a Texas accent. My friend, who is very kind and, bless her heart, cannot do a thing about
those thighs of hers, was justifiably miffed about this. After all, this woman had CHOSEN to move to Texas a couple of years ago.
"Can you believe it?" said her friend, "A child of mine is going to be "taaaallllkkin liiiike thiiiissss."
Now, don't get me wrong. Some of my dearest friends are from the North, bless their hearts. I welcome their perspective, their friendships, and their recipes for authentic Northern Italian food. I've even gotten past their endless complaints that you can't find good bread
down here. And the heathens, bless their hearts, don't like cornbread!
I have a friend from Bawston, bless her heart, who thinks it's hilarious when I say I've got to "carry" my daughter to the doctor or "cut off" the light. She also gets a giggle every time I am "fixin" to do something. And, bless their hearts, they don't even know where "over yonder" is, or what "I reckon" means!
My personal favorite was my aunt, saying, "Bless her heart, she cain't help being ugly, but she could'uh stayed home."
Texas girls know bad manners when they see them:
1. Drinking straight out of a can.
2. Not sending thank you notes.
3. Velvet after February.
4. White shoes before Memorial Day or after Labor Day.
Texas girls always say:
1. "Yes Maam."
2. "Yessir."
Texas girls have a distinct way with fond expressions:
1. "Yawl come back."
2. "Well, bless yer harrt."
3. "Drop by when ya can."
4. "How's yer mama?"
5. "Love yer hair."
Texas girls know everybody's first name:
1. Hunny
2. Darlin'
3. Shuger
Texas girls know the movies that speak to their hearts:
1. "Gone With the Wind"
2. "Fried Green Tomatoes"
3. "Driving Miss Daisy"
4. "Steel Magnolias"
Texas girls know the three deadly sins:
1. Bad hair
2. Bad manners
3. Bad blind dates
G.R.I.T. = Girls Raised in Texas !
"Just because you move to Texas does not make you a Texan.
After all, if a cat had kittens and moved them to the oven, that wouldn't make them biscuits."
Someone once noted that a Texan can get away with the most awful kind of insult just as long as it's prefaced with the words, "Bless her heart" or "Bless his heart."
As in, "Bless his heart, if they put his brain on the head of a pin, it'd roll around like a BB on a 6-lane highway."
I was thinking about this the other day when a friend was telling about her new transplanted northern friend who was upset because her toddler is just beginning to talk and he has a Texas accent. My friend, who is very kind and, bless her heart, cannot do a thing about
those thighs of hers, was justifiably miffed about this. After all, this woman had CHOSEN to move to Texas a couple of years ago.
"Can you believe it?" said her friend, "A child of mine is going to be "taaaallllkkin liiiike thiiiissss."
Now, don't get me wrong. Some of my dearest friends are from the North, bless their hearts. I welcome their perspective, their friendships, and their recipes for authentic Northern Italian food. I've even gotten past their endless complaints that you can't find good bread
down here. And the heathens, bless their hearts, don't like cornbread!
I have a friend from Bawston, bless her heart, who thinks it's hilarious when I say I've got to "carry" my daughter to the doctor or "cut off" the light. She also gets a giggle every time I am "fixin" to do something. And, bless their hearts, they don't even know where "over yonder" is, or what "I reckon" means!
My personal favorite was my aunt, saying, "Bless her heart, she cain't help being ugly, but she could'uh stayed home."
Texas girls know bad manners when they see them:
1. Drinking straight out of a can.
2. Not sending thank you notes.
3. Velvet after February.
4. White shoes before Memorial Day or after Labor Day.
Texas girls always say:
1. "Yes Maam."
2. "Yessir."
Texas girls have a distinct way with fond expressions:
1. "Yawl come back."
2. "Well, bless yer harrt."
3. "Drop by when ya can."
4. "How's yer mama?"
5. "Love yer hair."
Texas girls know everybody's first name:
1. Hunny
2. Darlin'
3. Shuger
Texas girls know the movies that speak to their hearts:
1. "Gone With the Wind"
2. "Fried Green Tomatoes"
3. "Driving Miss Daisy"
4. "Steel Magnolias"
Texas girls know the three deadly sins:
1. Bad hair
2. Bad manners
3. Bad blind dates
G.R.I.T. = Girls Raised in Texas !
"Just because you move to Texas does not make you a Texan.
After all, if a cat had kittens and moved them to the oven, that wouldn't make them biscuits."
Labels:
funny
Dead
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”
Pharmacist
Craig goes into the drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9, or 12 and asks which he wants to buy.
"Well", Craig said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." Craig made his purchase and left.
Later that evening, Craig sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "you never told me you were such a religious person." Craig leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
"Well", Craig said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." Craig made his purchase and left.
Later that evening, Craig sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "you never told me you were such a religious person." Craig leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
Some intersting facts...
1. Coca-Cola was originally green.
2. The most common name in the world is Mohammed .
3.The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with .
4. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
5. There are two credit cards for every person in the United States .
6. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
7. Women blink nearly twice as much as men!
8. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
9. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
10. People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze,your heart stops for a millisecond.
11. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
12. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language ..
13. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.
14. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents great ! king from history.
Spades - King David
Clubs - Alexander the Great,
Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
15. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
16. If a statue of a person in the park on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air,the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has a all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
17 What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common?
Ans. - All invented by women.
18. Question - This is the only food that doesn't spoil. What is this?
Answer - Honey
19. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
20. A snail can sleep for three years.
21. All polar bears are left handed.
22. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
23. Butterflies taste with their feet.
24. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
25. In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
26. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
27. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
28. The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
29. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
30. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
31. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.
32. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
33. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
34. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
35. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different
2. The most common name in the world is Mohammed .
3.The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with .
4. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
5. There are two credit cards for every person in the United States .
6. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
7. Women blink nearly twice as much as men!
8. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
9. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
10. People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze,your heart stops for a millisecond.
11. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
12. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language ..
13. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.
14. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents great ! king from history.
Spades - King David
Clubs - Alexander the Great,
Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
15. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
16. If a statue of a person in the park on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air,the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has a all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
17 What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common?
Ans. - All invented by women.
18. Question - This is the only food that doesn't spoil. What is this?
Answer - Honey
19. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
20. A snail can sleep for three years.
21. All polar bears are left handed.
22. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
23. Butterflies taste with their feet.
24. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
25. In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
26. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
27. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
28. The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
29. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
30. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
31. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.
32. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
33. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
34. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
35. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different
Labels:
facts,
interesting
9 Things I Hate About Everyone....
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
The mother-in-law
A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for £5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £150." The man thought about it and told the undertaker that he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only £150."
The man replied, "a long time ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later He rose from the dead......I just can't take that chance."
The man replied, "a long time ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later He rose from the dead......I just can't take that chance."
Labels:
funny,
joke,
mother-in-law
Making love to a beautiful woman
MAKING COFFEE
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir... gently and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.
LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.
HANGING WALLPAPER
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.
PUTTING UP A TENT
Putting up a tent, is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'... slip in to the old bag.
WASHING A CAR
Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.
ANSWERING THE PHONE
Answering the phone, is... a little like making love to a beautiful woman. In that you've gotta... lift the receiver, put it to your ear, speak... loudly and clearly... oh, yes - and don't forget to state your name.
BEING IN THERAPY
And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You... get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.
BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.
GOING FISHING
Of course, As you know, I'm a very keen fisherman myself. You know, I've often thought that going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any
wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir... gently and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.
LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.
HANGING WALLPAPER
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.
PUTTING UP A TENT
Putting up a tent, is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'... slip in to the old bag.
WASHING A CAR
Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.
ANSWERING THE PHONE
Answering the phone, is... a little like making love to a beautiful woman. In that you've gotta... lift the receiver, put it to your ear, speak... loudly and clearly... oh, yes - and don't forget to state your name.
BEING IN THERAPY
And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You... get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.
BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.
GOING FISHING
Of course, As you know, I'm a very keen fisherman myself. You know, I've often thought that going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any
wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.
The problems with "HE" as thought by "SHE"
f u TREAT him nicely, he says u are IN LOVE with him;
If u Don't, he says u are PROUD.
If u DRESS Nicely, he says u are trying to LURE him;
If u Don't, he says u are from VILLAGE.
If u ARGUE with him, he says u are STUBBORN ;
If u keep QUIET, he says u have no BRAINS .
If u are SMARTER than him, he'll lose FACE;
If he's Smarter than u, he is GREAT.
If u don't Love him, he tries to POSSESS u;
If u Love him! , he will try to LEAVE u.(very true huh?)
If u don't MAKE LOVE with him., he says u DON'T LOVE him;
If u DO!! He says u are CHEAP.
If u tell him your PROBLEM, he says u are TROUBLESOME;
If u DON'T, he says that u don't TRUST him.
If u SCOLD him, u are like a NANNY to him;
If he SCOLDS u, it is because he CARES for u.
If u BREAK your PROMISE, u Cannot be TRUSTED;
If he BREAKS his, he is FORCED to do so.
If u SMOKE, u are BAD girl;
If he SMOKES, he is GENTLEMAN.
If u do WELL in your exams, he says it's LUCK;
If he does WELL, it's BRAIN.
If u HURT him, u are CRUEL;
If he HURTS u, u are too SENSITIVE!!
If u Don't, he says u are PROUD.
If u DRESS Nicely, he says u are trying to LURE him;
If u Don't, he says u are from VILLAGE.
If u ARGUE with him, he says u are STUBBORN ;
If u keep QUIET, he says u have no BRAINS .
If u are SMARTER than him, he'll lose FACE;
If he's Smarter than u, he is GREAT.
If u don't Love him, he tries to POSSESS u;
If u Love him! , he will try to LEAVE u.(very true huh?)
If u don't MAKE LOVE with him., he says u DON'T LOVE him;
If u DO!! He says u are CHEAP.
If u tell him your PROBLEM, he says u are TROUBLESOME;
If u DON'T, he says that u don't TRUST him.
If u SCOLD him, u are like a NANNY to him;
If he SCOLDS u, it is because he CARES for u.
If u BREAK your PROMISE, u Cannot be TRUSTED;
If he BREAKS his, he is FORCED to do so.
If u SMOKE, u are BAD girl;
If he SMOKES, he is GENTLEMAN.
If u do WELL in your exams, he says it's LUCK;
If he does WELL, it's BRAIN.
If u HURT him, u are CRUEL;
If he HURTS u, u are too SENSITIVE!!
Deaths that made top doctors wonder
This case happened in a hospital's Intensive care ward where patients always died in the same bed and on all Sunday morning at 11a.m, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural.
No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 AM. So a world-wide expert team was constituted and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. So on next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m.
all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil........
Just when the! clock struck 11...
and then......
then.....
then........
Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and
Unplugged the life support system & plugged in the vacuum cleaner
No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 AM. So a world-wide expert team was constituted and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. So on next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m.
all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil........
Just when the! clock struck 11...
and then......
then.....
then........
Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and
Unplugged the life support system & plugged in the vacuum cleaner
Things to Ponder
1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. DEAL WITH IT.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. DEAL WITH IT.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
$10 dollar is 10 dollar
Johnny and his wife went to the State Fair every year. Every year Johnny would say, "I'd like to ride in that aeroplane." And every year his wife would say, "I know, Johnny, but that aeroplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
This one year Johnny and his wife went to the fair and Johnny said, "I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that aeroplane this year I may never get another chance." "That aeroplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.", replied his wife.
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Johnny and his wife agree and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Johnny, " I did everything I could
think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Johnny replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when my wife fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
This one year Johnny and his wife went to the fair and Johnny said, "I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that aeroplane this year I may never get another chance." "That aeroplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.", replied his wife.
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Johnny and his wife agree and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Johnny, " I did everything I could
think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Johnny replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when my wife fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
True Friendship
Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smile y faces on this card- Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.
1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against The sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance
I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about
how much Worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are
well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end.
"Why?" you may ask;
"because you are my friend".
Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it,
But only you can feel the true warmth.
1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against The sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance
I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about
how much Worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are
well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end.
"Why?" you may ask;
"because you are my friend".
Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it,
But only you can feel the true warmth.
Mate Match
The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone.
If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.
Their partner is then called and asked the same 3 questions. If he/she gives the same answers to all 3 questions, they both win the prize. Simple.
One particular game, however, made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:
* * * * * * * *
DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of MateMatch?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please."
Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: "Yes."
DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sarah."
DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "OK, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question 2 - how long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "OK. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. OK folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."
3 minutes of commercials follow.
DJ: "OK audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touch tones.....ringing....)
Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Soooooo... do you know the rules of MateMatch?"
Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, OK? Be completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well, it's just that my mom is vacationing with us and..."
DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
Sarah: "In the ass....."
After a long pause
DJ: "Folks, we need to take a station break"
If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.
Their partner is then called and asked the same 3 questions. If he/she gives the same answers to all 3 questions, they both win the prize. Simple.
One particular game, however, made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:
* * * * * * * *
DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of MateMatch?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please."
Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: "Yes."
DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sarah."
DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "OK, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question 2 - how long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "OK. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. OK folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."
3 minutes of commercials follow.
DJ: "OK audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touch tones.....ringing....)
Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Soooooo... do you know the rules of MateMatch?"
Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, OK? Be completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well, it's just that my mom is vacationing with us and..."
DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
Sarah: "In the ass....."
After a long pause
DJ: "Folks, we need to take a station break"
The Hypnotist
It was opening night at the Orpheum theater and the Amazing Eileen was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do her stuff.
As the Amazing Eileen took to the stage, she announced, ''Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.''
The excitement was almost electric as the Amazing Eileen withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from her coat.
''I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations.''
She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, ''Watch the watch , watch the watch, watch the watch.... ''.
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
''Sh*t'' said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theatre. ... !!!
As the Amazing Eileen took to the stage, she announced, ''Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.''
The excitement was almost electric as the Amazing Eileen withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from her coat.
''I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations.''
She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, ''Watch the watch , watch the watch, watch the watch.... ''.
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
''Sh*t'' said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theatre. ... !!!
New Striker
The new Liverpool manager sent scouts out around the world looking for a new striker to replace Michael Owen and hopefully win Liverpool the title.
One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar.
The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Manchester United with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
Hello mum, guess what?" he say's. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."
"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters while you were having a great time."
The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry." "Sorry!" says his mum, "It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"
One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar.
The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Manchester United with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
Hello mum, guess what?" he say's. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."
"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters while you were having a great time."
The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry." "Sorry!" says his mum, "It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"
Because I am a Guy
Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.
Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger--how the heck could HE know where we're going?
Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.
Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is ok, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?
Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection?
Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.
Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the new millennium, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.
Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger--how the heck could HE know where we're going?
Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.
Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is ok, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?
Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection?
Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.
Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the new millennium, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.
A Lawyer & A Blonde
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the
Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what is the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
The biggest risk in life, is not taking one!
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the
Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what is the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
The biggest risk in life, is not taking one!
Blonde Handy-woman
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, How much will you charge me?"
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded,
"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied,
"and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her. "
And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, How much will you charge me?"
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded,
"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied,
"and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her. "
And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
Hand Job
A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of no where, parks his bike and walks inside.
As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"
The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".
The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".
As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"
The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".
The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".
How smart if your right foot?
HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?
This is hysterical. You have to try this. It is absolutely true. I guess there are some things that the brain cannot handle.
HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?
You have to try this please, it takes 2 seconds. I could not believe this!!! It is from an orthopaedic surgeon. This will boggle your mind and you will keep you trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't. It's pre-programmed in your brain!
1. Without anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY......) and while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.
This is hysterical. You have to try this. It is absolutely true. I guess there are some things that the brain cannot handle.
HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?
You have to try this please, it takes 2 seconds. I could not believe this!!! It is from an orthopaedic surgeon. This will boggle your mind and you will keep you trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't. It's pre-programmed in your brain!
1. Without anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY......) and while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.
Labels:
interesting,
quiz
You Reap What You Sow
Good morning said a woman as she walked up to the man sitting on ground.
The man slowly looked up.
This was a woman clearly accustomed to the finer things of life. Her coat
was new. She looked like she had never missed a meal in her life.
His first thought was that she wanted to make fun of him, like so many
others had done before. "Leave me alone," he growled....
To his amazement, the woman continued standing.
She was smiling -- her even white teeth displayed in dazzling rows. "Are
you hungry?" she asked.
"No," he answered sarcastically. "I've just come from dining with the
president. Now go away."
The woman's smile became even broader..
Suddenly the man felt a gentle hand under his arm.
"What are you doing, lady?" the man asked angrily. "I said to leave me
alone.
Just then a policeman came up. "Is there any problem, ma'am?" he asked..
"No problem here, officer," the woman answered. "I'm just trying to get
this man to his feet.. Will you help me?"
The officer scratched his head. "That's old Jack. He's been a fixture
around here for a couple of years. What do you want with him?"
"See that cafeteria over there?" she asked. "I'm going to get him
something to eat and get him out of the cold for awhile."
"Are you crazy, lady?" the homeless man resisted. "I don't want to go in
there!" Then he felt strong hands grab his other arm and lift him up.
"Let me go, officer. I didn't do anything."
"This is a good deal for you, Jack," the officer answered. "Don't blow
it."
Finally, and with some difficulty, the woman and the police officer got
Jack into the cafeteria and sat him at a table in a remote corner.. It
was the middle of the morning, so most of the breakfast crowd had already
left and the lunch bunch had not yet arrived...
The manager strode across the cafeteria and stood by his table. "What's
going on here, officer?" he asked. "What is all this, is this man in
trouble?"
"This lady brought this man in here to be fed," the policeman answered.
"Not in here!" the manager replied angrily. "Having a person like that
here is bad for business."
Old Jack smiled a toothless grin. "See, lady. I told you so. Now if
you'll let me go. I didn't want to come here in the first place."
The woman turned to the cafeteria manager and smiled. "Sir, are you
familiar with Eddy and Associates, the banking firm down the street?"
"Of course I am," the manager answered impatiently. "They hold their
weekly meetings in one of my banquet rooms."
"And do you make a goodly amount of money providing food at these weekly
meetings?"
"What business is that of yours?"
I, sir, am Penelope Eddy, president and CEO of the company."
"Oh."
The woman smiled again. "I thought that might make a difference." She
glanced at the cop who was busy stifling a giggle. "Would you like to join
us in a cup of coffee and a meal, officer?"
"No thanks, ma'am," the officer replied. "I'm on duty."
"Then, perhaps, a cup of coffee to go?"
"Yes, ma'am. That would be very nice."
The cafeteria manager turned on his heel, "I'll get your coffee for you
right away, officer."
The officer watched him walk away. "You certainly put him in his place,"
he said.
"That was not my intent. Believe it or not, I have a reason for all this."
She sat down at the table across from her amazed dinner guest. She stared
at him intently. "Jack, do you remember me?"
Old Jack searched her face with his old, rheumy eyes.. "I think so -- I
mean you do look familiar."
"I'm a little older perhaps," she said. "Maybe I've even filled out more
than in my younger days when you worked here, and I came through that very
door, cold and hungry."
"Ma'am?" the officer said questioningly. He couldn't believe that such a
magnificently turned out woman could ever have been hungry.
"I was just out of college," the woman began. "I had come to the city
looking for a job, but I couldn't find anything. Finally I was down to my
last few cents and had been kicked out of my apartment. I walked the
streets for days. It was February and I was cold and nearly starving. I
saw this place and walked in on the off chance that I could get something
to eat."
Jack lit up with a smile. "Now I remember," he said. "I was behind the
serving counter. You came up and asked me if you could work for something
to eat. I said that it was against company policy."
"I know," the woman continued. "Then you made me the biggest roast beef
sandwich that I had ever seen, gave me a cup of coffee, and told me to go
over to a corner table and enjoy it. I was afraid that you would get into
trouble... Then, when I looked over and saw you put the price of my food
in the cash register, I knew then that everything would be all right."
"So you started your own business?" Old Jack said.
"I got a job that very afternoon. I worked my way up. Eventually I
started my own business that, with the help of God, prospered." She opened
her purse and pulled out a business card. "When you are finished here, I
want you to pay a visit to a Mr. Lyons...He's the personnel director of my
company. I'll go talk to him now and I'm certain he'll find something for
you to do around the office." She smiled. "I think he might even find
the funds to give you a little advance so that you can buy some clothes
and get a place to live until you get on your feet.. If you ever need
anything, my door is always opened to you."
There were tears in the old man's eyes. "How can I ever thank you?" he
said.
"Don't thank me," the woman answered. "To God goes the glory. Thank
Jesus... He led me to you."
Outside the cafeteria, the officer and the woman paused at the entrance
before going their separate ways...
"Thank you for all your help, officer," she said.
"On the contrary, Ms. Eddy," he answered. "Thank you. I saw a miracle
today, something that I will never forget. And..And thank you for the
coffee."
If you have missed knowing me, you have missed nothing.
If you have missed some of my emails, you might have missed a laugh.
But, if you have missed knowing my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, you have
missed everything in the world.
Have a Wonderful Day. May God Bless You Always and don't forget that when
you "cast your bread upon the waters," you never know how it will be
returned to you..
God is so big He can cover the whole world with his Love and so small He
can curl up inside your heart..
When God leads you to the edge of the cliff, trust Him fully and let go.
Only 1 of 2 things will happen, either He'll catch you when you fall, or
He'll teach you how to fly!
The power of one sentence!
God is going to shift things around for you today and let things work in
your favor.
The man slowly looked up.
This was a woman clearly accustomed to the finer things of life. Her coat
was new. She looked like she had never missed a meal in her life.
His first thought was that she wanted to make fun of him, like so many
others had done before. "Leave me alone," he growled....
To his amazement, the woman continued standing.
She was smiling -- her even white teeth displayed in dazzling rows. "Are
you hungry?" she asked.
"No," he answered sarcastically. "I've just come from dining with the
president. Now go away."
The woman's smile became even broader..
Suddenly the man felt a gentle hand under his arm.
"What are you doing, lady?" the man asked angrily. "I said to leave me
alone.
Just then a policeman came up. "Is there any problem, ma'am?" he asked..
"No problem here, officer," the woman answered. "I'm just trying to get
this man to his feet.. Will you help me?"
The officer scratched his head. "That's old Jack. He's been a fixture
around here for a couple of years. What do you want with him?"
"See that cafeteria over there?" she asked. "I'm going to get him
something to eat and get him out of the cold for awhile."
"Are you crazy, lady?" the homeless man resisted. "I don't want to go in
there!" Then he felt strong hands grab his other arm and lift him up.
"Let me go, officer. I didn't do anything."
"This is a good deal for you, Jack," the officer answered. "Don't blow
it."
Finally, and with some difficulty, the woman and the police officer got
Jack into the cafeteria and sat him at a table in a remote corner.. It
was the middle of the morning, so most of the breakfast crowd had already
left and the lunch bunch had not yet arrived...
The manager strode across the cafeteria and stood by his table. "What's
going on here, officer?" he asked. "What is all this, is this man in
trouble?"
"This lady brought this man in here to be fed," the policeman answered.
"Not in here!" the manager replied angrily. "Having a person like that
here is bad for business."
Old Jack smiled a toothless grin. "See, lady. I told you so. Now if
you'll let me go. I didn't want to come here in the first place."
The woman turned to the cafeteria manager and smiled. "Sir, are you
familiar with Eddy and Associates, the banking firm down the street?"
"Of course I am," the manager answered impatiently. "They hold their
weekly meetings in one of my banquet rooms."
"And do you make a goodly amount of money providing food at these weekly
meetings?"
"What business is that of yours?"
I, sir, am Penelope Eddy, president and CEO of the company."
"Oh."
The woman smiled again. "I thought that might make a difference." She
glanced at the cop who was busy stifling a giggle. "Would you like to join
us in a cup of coffee and a meal, officer?"
"No thanks, ma'am," the officer replied. "I'm on duty."
"Then, perhaps, a cup of coffee to go?"
"Yes, ma'am. That would be very nice."
The cafeteria manager turned on his heel, "I'll get your coffee for you
right away, officer."
The officer watched him walk away. "You certainly put him in his place,"
he said.
"That was not my intent. Believe it or not, I have a reason for all this."
She sat down at the table across from her amazed dinner guest. She stared
at him intently. "Jack, do you remember me?"
Old Jack searched her face with his old, rheumy eyes.. "I think so -- I
mean you do look familiar."
"I'm a little older perhaps," she said. "Maybe I've even filled out more
than in my younger days when you worked here, and I came through that very
door, cold and hungry."
"Ma'am?" the officer said questioningly. He couldn't believe that such a
magnificently turned out woman could ever have been hungry.
"I was just out of college," the woman began. "I had come to the city
looking for a job, but I couldn't find anything. Finally I was down to my
last few cents and had been kicked out of my apartment. I walked the
streets for days. It was February and I was cold and nearly starving. I
saw this place and walked in on the off chance that I could get something
to eat."
Jack lit up with a smile. "Now I remember," he said. "I was behind the
serving counter. You came up and asked me if you could work for something
to eat. I said that it was against company policy."
"I know," the woman continued. "Then you made me the biggest roast beef
sandwich that I had ever seen, gave me a cup of coffee, and told me to go
over to a corner table and enjoy it. I was afraid that you would get into
trouble... Then, when I looked over and saw you put the price of my food
in the cash register, I knew then that everything would be all right."
"So you started your own business?" Old Jack said.
"I got a job that very afternoon. I worked my way up. Eventually I
started my own business that, with the help of God, prospered." She opened
her purse and pulled out a business card. "When you are finished here, I
want you to pay a visit to a Mr. Lyons...He's the personnel director of my
company. I'll go talk to him now and I'm certain he'll find something for
you to do around the office." She smiled. "I think he might even find
the funds to give you a little advance so that you can buy some clothes
and get a place to live until you get on your feet.. If you ever need
anything, my door is always opened to you."
There were tears in the old man's eyes. "How can I ever thank you?" he
said.
"Don't thank me," the woman answered. "To God goes the glory. Thank
Jesus... He led me to you."
Outside the cafeteria, the officer and the woman paused at the entrance
before going their separate ways...
"Thank you for all your help, officer," she said.
"On the contrary, Ms. Eddy," he answered. "Thank you. I saw a miracle
today, something that I will never forget. And..And thank you for the
coffee."
If you have missed knowing me, you have missed nothing.
If you have missed some of my emails, you might have missed a laugh.
But, if you have missed knowing my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, you have
missed everything in the world.
Have a Wonderful Day. May God Bless You Always and don't forget that when
you "cast your bread upon the waters," you never know how it will be
returned to you..
God is so big He can cover the whole world with his Love and so small He
can curl up inside your heart..
When God leads you to the edge of the cliff, trust Him fully and let go.
Only 1 of 2 things will happen, either He'll catch you when you fall, or
He'll teach you how to fly!
The power of one sentence!
God is going to shift things around for you today and let things work in
your favor.
Labels:
inspirational,
story
Stupid Questions, Smart Answers
BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.
WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".
Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".
Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".
Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"
My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.
Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".
Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".
Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".
Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".
Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".
Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.
WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".
Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".
Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".
Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"
My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.
Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".
Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".
Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".
Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".
Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".
Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."
Labels:
funny
25 Reasons I Owe my mother or dad
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mot her taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10 My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mot her taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10 My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
Children Joke Collection #1
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat.
She asked him if it was dead or alive.
"Dead." She was informed.
"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
_________________________________________________
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....
"Da-ad...."
"What?
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later:
"Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......
"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
________________________________________________
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
_________________________________________________
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."
_________________________________________________
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and,as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
_________________________________________________
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said,"Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
_________________________________________________
A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
_________________________________________________
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.
She read, "...and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy crap! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes
She asked him if it was dead or alive.
"Dead." She was informed.
"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
_________________________________________________
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....
"Da-ad...."
"What?
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later:
"Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......
"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
________________________________________________
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
_________________________________________________
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."
_________________________________________________
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and,as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
_________________________________________________
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said,"Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
_________________________________________________
A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
_________________________________________________
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.
She read, "...and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy crap! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes
The Perfect Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealer and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, go ahead, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he smiles and asks,
"Anyone knows who this phone belongs to?" !!!!!!!!!
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealer and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, go ahead, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he smiles and asks,
"Anyone knows who this phone belongs to?" !!!!!!!!!
Pinoy Joke Collection #8
Hinalik-halikan ni mister nang buong lambing ang balikat ni misis…
MISTER: Hon, sige na…
MISIS: Bumabagyo!
MISTER: Ayaw mo ‘yun, malamig?!
MISIS: Tanga! Hindi ka na nahiya?! Maraming tao dito sa evacuation center!
***
IQ TEST
#1 Magkaaway kayo ng kaibigan mo. Ano ang gagawin mo para maibalik ang dating sigla ng Mindanao ?
#2 Naiwan mo ang ID mo. Ano ang sasabihin mo sa security guard para i-add ka niya sa friendster?
#3 Sa kalagayan ng gobyerno natin ngayon, may pag-asa pa bang lumaki ang size ng pasas?
#4 Oo o hindi… ano ang nararamdaman mo ngayon?
#5 Libing ng aso mo. Eh may outing ang barkada. Ano ang una mong isusuot… pantalon o T-shirt?
NO REPLY, NO IQ!
***
“Kung hindi mo ‘ko kayang seryosohin, ngayon pa lang, itigil na natin ‘to!” – PAG-AARAL
***
Sikat na sikat na mga kamag-anak ni Bob Ong…
“Huwag kang mag-inarte kapag wala ka nang makain.” – BAGO ONG
“Hindi porke’t nabali ang isa ay babaliin mo na rin ang kabila. Hindi maitatama ng isa pang pagkakamali ang isang pagkakamali.” – TAK ONG
***
Ayon sa DOH, iwasang magsuot ng ITIM o DARK COLORED na damit dahil nag-aanyaya ang mga ito sa mga lamok na carrier ng dengue.
DATI… hilo ang lamok sa BIKINING ITIM.
NGAYON… patay ang lamok sa BIKINING NANGINGITIM.
***
BOY GAGO…
Counterpart ni Lady Gaga.
***
Ang ipis ay tunay na lalaki.
Dahil tinitilian siya ng mga babae.
***
Tuwing nag-iisa ako, alam mo ba kung sino ang nasa isip ko?
Malamang, hindi, ‘di ba?
Ang galing mo naman kung alam mo!
***
It’s so hard to wait for the right person to come, especially if the wrong one is so hot.
***
Our prime purpose in this life is to love others.
But if you can’t love them, at least, make love with them.
***
Parang LBM pag nagmahal ako sa ‘yo…
Mahirap pigilan.
***
Hindi nagbabago ang tingin ko sa tao dahil galit o natutuwa ako sa kanila…
Nag-iiba ang tingin ko sa tao dahil nag-iiba rin kung ano ang ipinapakita nila.
***
Hala! May nakita akong patay kanina sa kalsada! Grabe!
Patay na patay sa ‘kin!
MISTER: Hon, sige na…
MISIS: Bumabagyo!
MISTER: Ayaw mo ‘yun, malamig?!
MISIS: Tanga! Hindi ka na nahiya?! Maraming tao dito sa evacuation center!
***
IQ TEST
#1 Magkaaway kayo ng kaibigan mo. Ano ang gagawin mo para maibalik ang dating sigla ng Mindanao ?
#2 Naiwan mo ang ID mo. Ano ang sasabihin mo sa security guard para i-add ka niya sa friendster?
#3 Sa kalagayan ng gobyerno natin ngayon, may pag-asa pa bang lumaki ang size ng pasas?
#4 Oo o hindi… ano ang nararamdaman mo ngayon?
#5 Libing ng aso mo. Eh may outing ang barkada. Ano ang una mong isusuot… pantalon o T-shirt?
NO REPLY, NO IQ!
***
“Kung hindi mo ‘ko kayang seryosohin, ngayon pa lang, itigil na natin ‘to!” – PAG-AARAL
***
Sikat na sikat na mga kamag-anak ni Bob Ong…
“Huwag kang mag-inarte kapag wala ka nang makain.” – BAGO ONG
“Hindi porke’t nabali ang isa ay babaliin mo na rin ang kabila. Hindi maitatama ng isa pang pagkakamali ang isang pagkakamali.” – TAK ONG
***
Ayon sa DOH, iwasang magsuot ng ITIM o DARK COLORED na damit dahil nag-aanyaya ang mga ito sa mga lamok na carrier ng dengue.
DATI… hilo ang lamok sa BIKINING ITIM.
NGAYON… patay ang lamok sa BIKINING NANGINGITIM.
***
BOY GAGO…
Counterpart ni Lady Gaga.
***
Ang ipis ay tunay na lalaki.
Dahil tinitilian siya ng mga babae.
***
Tuwing nag-iisa ako, alam mo ba kung sino ang nasa isip ko?
Malamang, hindi, ‘di ba?
Ang galing mo naman kung alam mo!
***
It’s so hard to wait for the right person to come, especially if the wrong one is so hot.
***
Our prime purpose in this life is to love others.
But if you can’t love them, at least, make love with them.
***
Parang LBM pag nagmahal ako sa ‘yo…
Mahirap pigilan.
***
Hindi nagbabago ang tingin ko sa tao dahil galit o natutuwa ako sa kanila…
Nag-iiba ang tingin ko sa tao dahil nag-iiba rin kung ano ang ipinapakita nila.
***
Hala! May nakita akong patay kanina sa kalsada! Grabe!
Patay na patay sa ‘kin!
Labels:
funny,
pinoy jokes,
tagalog
Some Definitions of Marriage
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Anonymous
Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Anonymous
The Boss
A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead:
"I'm afraid he died last week. " she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.
"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."
The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts:
"I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"
.
.
.
.
" Coz . . ." he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it. . .
"I'm afraid he died last week. " she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.
"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."
The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts:
"I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"
.
.
.
.
" Coz . . ." he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it. . .
Blood Test
Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.
"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.
"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.
"So? Are you afraid?"
"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.
Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"
To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!"
"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.
"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.
"So? Are you afraid?"
"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.
Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"
To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!"
Pay your bills
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by the King and Queen as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick . . .
The moral of the story - Pay your fuckin' bills.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by the King and Queen as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick . . .
The moral of the story - Pay your fuckin' bills.
Diary of a Six Day Bahamas Cruise
DEAR DIARY ... DAY ONE
My husband and I are all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.
DEAR DIARY .. DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. My husband spent most of the day gambling. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY ... DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited us to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman. My husband spent more time gambling.
DEAR DIARY ... DAY FOUR
Went to the ship's casino ... did OK .. won about $80. My husband wanted to stay and gamble more. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY ... DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled. My husband spent most of the night gambling.
DEAR DIARY ... DAY SIX- My husband spent most of the day gambling.
I saved 1600 lives today .... twice !!!!
My husband and I are all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.
DEAR DIARY .. DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. My husband spent most of the day gambling. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY ... DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited us to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman. My husband spent more time gambling.
DEAR DIARY ... DAY FOUR
Went to the ship's casino ... did OK .. won about $80. My husband wanted to stay and gamble more. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY ... DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled. My husband spent most of the night gambling.
DEAR DIARY ... DAY SIX- My husband spent most of the day gambling.
I saved 1600 lives today .... twice !!!!
Assorted Jokes #1
“Rape is Not a Crime”
Its just a “Surprise Sex”
|||| | |
Medical Science Says:
“Tight Clothing Slows Blood Circulation”
But the Truth is..
“Tighter The Woman’s Clothing,
Faster The Circulation Of MAN’s Blood” ;->
|||| | |
In school canteen,
there was a basket of apples with a written note:
“don’t take more than 1, God is watching!”
A little further there was a box of choclates,
a naughty child wrote:
“Take as many as u want. God is watching the apples”
|||| | |
8 year son: Dad what’s sex?
Dad gets tensed but explained everything.
Kid: But dad how do I write all that in this small box of admision form ?
|||| | |
A depressed boy asked an old man:
Is there anything worst than losing a girlfriend?
He replied: Yes, Losing your confidence of getting another one.
|||| | |
Virginity is
Neither a Dignity,
Nor a Security,
Nor Even a Sign of Purity,
Its just a…..
Lack of 0pportunity…”
”
|||| | |
Woman in bed with husband’s best friend.
phone rings,
Woman: Yes?.. Ok,.. fine,..bye.
Turns to her Lover and laughs;
My husband saying he is playing golf with you.
|||| | |
A criminal enter into bed room,
tied up husband & wife,
kissed wife’s ear & went to bathroom.
Husband told wife, “satisfy him or he will kill us, be strong I LOVE U”
Wife said “He didnt kiss me,
He whispered in my ear that he’s GAY ,
needs vaseline & I told him its in the bathroom.
So b strong, I LOVE [....]
|||| | |
A 5 year old boy,
while taking bath
and examining his testicles
Asks: ‘Mum, are these my brains?’
‘Not yet’, she replied.
Its just a “Surprise Sex”
|||| | |
Medical Science Says:
“Tight Clothing Slows Blood Circulation”
But the Truth is..
“Tighter The Woman’s Clothing,
Faster The Circulation Of MAN’s Blood” ;->
|||| | |
In school canteen,
there was a basket of apples with a written note:
“don’t take more than 1, God is watching!”
A little further there was a box of choclates,
a naughty child wrote:
“Take as many as u want. God is watching the apples”
|||| | |
8 year son: Dad what’s sex?
Dad gets tensed but explained everything.
Kid: But dad how do I write all that in this small box of admision form ?
|||| | |
A depressed boy asked an old man:
Is there anything worst than losing a girlfriend?
He replied: Yes, Losing your confidence of getting another one.
|||| | |
Virginity is
Neither a Dignity,
Nor a Security,
Nor Even a Sign of Purity,
Its just a…..
Lack of 0pportunity…”
”
|||| | |
Woman in bed with husband’s best friend.
phone rings,
Woman: Yes?.. Ok,.. fine,..bye.
Turns to her Lover and laughs;
My husband saying he is playing golf with you.
|||| | |
A criminal enter into bed room,
tied up husband & wife,
kissed wife’s ear & went to bathroom.
Husband told wife, “satisfy him or he will kill us, be strong I LOVE U”
Wife said “He didnt kiss me,
He whispered in my ear that he’s GAY ,
needs vaseline & I told him its in the bathroom.
So b strong, I LOVE [....]
|||| | |
A 5 year old boy,
while taking bath
and examining his testicles
Asks: ‘Mum, are these my brains?’
‘Not yet’, she replied.
Pinoy Jokes Collection #7
MAN1: nagagalit sakin misis ko kapag inuuwi ko sa bahay yung mga hindi ko natapos na trabaho.
MAN2: bakit, ano ba ang trabaho mo pare?
MAN1: embalsamador!
————
NURSE: nasa isip mo ba pamilya mo?
BALIW: siyempre man! OO!
[Nurse natuwa..]
NURSE: asan ba pamilya mo?
BALIW: nasa isip ko. Tanga ba you?
————
Si Mister nakita 3 butil ng bigas at 25pesos sa drawer ni Misis.
MR: ano to?
MRS: uhm honey, magtatapat na ko. Tuwing nagtataksil ako sayo naglalagay ako ng 1 butil ng bigas sa drawer.
MR: eh ano yang 25pesos?
MRS: nung naging 1 kilo ang bigas, binenta ko na. Sayang eh!
________
Kinuha ng isang Kanong Pari si Pacquiao as interpreter. .
Pari: The Lord was crucified between 2 robbers.
Pac: Si Hesus ay ipinako s gitna ng 2 goma.
Pari: We need to sacrifice.
Pac: Kailangan natin ng 2 sakong bigas.
Pari: If we do not repent,
Pac: Kapag hindi natin pininturahang muli,
Pari: Thewrath of God will come upon you.
Pac: Ang mga daga ng Diyos ay pupunta sayo.(nagtawanan)
Pari: Well.. Well..
Pac: Balon.. Balon..
____________
a nUrse came 2 vsit hs 3 mental patients
P1:(ngbbsa ng encyclopedia)
N:wow! improvng ka! dts gud.
P2:(ngbbsa ng dictionry)
N:cool! ipgp2loy mo lng yn.
P3:(nktyo s mesa w/arms wide open) "aq ang ilaw!"
N:hoy! bumba k nga jn. bka mhulog k. wla k p dn pgbbgo.(naupo c P3 s upuan)
P1 & P2: ay, brownout?
____________ _____
JOSE: Kumusta ang assignment?
RICK: Masama. Wala akong nasagutan. Blank paper ang ipinasa ko.
JOSE: Naku, ako rin! Paano 'yan? Baka isipin
nila, nagkopyahan tayo?!
------------ -----
TOTO: Pangarap ko, kumita ng P250,000 monthly gaya ni daddy!
JOVY: Wow! Ganyan kalaki ang kinikita ng daddy mo?
TOTO: Hindi! 'Yan din ang pangarap niya!
------------ -----
DOK: May taning na ang buhay mo.
JUAN: Wala na bang pag-asa? Ano po ba ang dapat kong gawin?
DOK: Mag-asawa ka na lang ng pangit at bungangera.
JUAN: Bakit, gagaling po ba ako ru'n?
DOK: Hindi, pero mas gugustuhin mo pang mamatay kesa mabuhay!
------------ ----
LITO: Pare, ano ba ang kaibahan ng H2O sa CO2?
JOSE: Diyos ko naman! Di mo ba alam 'yun?!
Ang H2O ay water! At ang CO2... COLD water.
------------ -----
”Gustong malaman ng magkaibigan kung may basketbolan sa langit.
Nagkasundo sila na kung sino ang unang mamatay ay babalik upang
sabihin kung may basketbol sa langit.
Naunang namatay si Dado.”
Isang gabi, may narinig na boses si Rodel na parang kay Dado.
"Ikaw ba 'yan, Dado?" usisa ni Rodel.
"Oo naman!" tugon ni Dado.
"Parang hindi totoo!" bulalas ni Rodel."O,ano, meron bang
basketball sa langit?"
Sagot ni Dado, "May maganda at masama akong
balita sa 'yo. Ang maganda, may basketbol doon. Ang masama...
kasali ka sa makakalaban namin bukas!" (ngek!)
------------ -----
Usapan ng dalawang bata...
JUNJUN: Magaling ang tatay ko! Alam mo'yang
Pacific Ocean , siya ang humukay nun!
PEDRO: Wala 'yan sa tatay ko! Alam mo yung Dead Sea ?
JUNJUN: Oo...
PEDRO: Siya ang pumatay nun!
------------ -----
STEWARDEES: Do you want a drink, sir?
SIR: What are my choices?
STEWARDEES: Yes or No.
------------ -----
MISIS: Hindi ko na kaya 'to! Araw-araw nalang tayong nag-aaway
Mabuti pa, umalis na ako sa bahay na 'to!
MISTER: Ako rin, sawang-sawa na! Away rito,away roon! Mabuti pa
siguro, sumama na ako sa 'yo!
------------ -----
Misis: Delayed ako nang one month pero huwag mo munang
ipagsabi.Nahihiya ako...
Mister: Okey.
(Kinabukasan, dumating Collector ng Meralco.) ..
COLLECTOR: Misis, delayed po kayo ng one month.
MISIS: Ha? Bakit mo alam?
COLLECTOR: Nasa record po.
MISTER: Bakit Naka-record diyan na delayed ang misis ko?
COLLECTOR: Kung gusto ninyong mawala sarecord, magbayad kayo!
MISTER: Eh kung ayokong magbayad?
COLLECTOR: Puputulan kayo!
MISTER: Eh anong gagamitin ni misis?
COLLECTOR: Pwede naman siyang gumamit ng kandila.
------------ -----
Advantage at disadvantage ng may-asawa...
ADVANTAGE: 'Pag kailangan mo, nandiyan agad.
DISADVANTAGE: 'Pag ayaw mo na, andiyan parin!
------------ -----
TANONG: What is the difference between a girlfriend,a call girl and a wife?
SAGOT: Post paid, pre paid, unlimited.
------------ -----
Sa isang classroom...
TITSER: Class, what is ETHICS?
PETER: Etiks are smaller than ducks.
TITSER: Okey, that duck will lay an egg in your card.
------------ -----
JUAN: Pare, noong mayaman pa kami, nagkakamay
kaming kumain. Ngayongmahirap na kami, nakakutsara na.
PEDRO: Baligtad yata?
JUAN: Mahirap kamayin ang lugaw, pare!
------------ -----
ANAK: Itay, nagpapatanong si ma'am kung ano raw ang propesyon mo.
TATAY: Sabihin mo, cardiologist.
ANAK: Ano po ba ang cardiologist, Itay?
TATAY:'Yung taga-ayos ng radio sa car!
------------ -----
”Umuwi si mister nang 4:00 AM at nakita niya ang
kanyang misis na may katalik na lalaki sa kama”...
Misis: (sumigaw) SAAN KA GALING?!
Mister: Sino 'yang katabi mo?
Misis: GRABE KA! HUWAG MONG IBAHIN ANG USAPAN!
------------ -----
ROD: Bakit bad trip ka?
HARRY: Nagtampo sa 'kin ang utol ko.
ROD: Bakit naman?
HARRY: Nakalimutan ko kasi ang birthday niya.
ROD: 'Yun lang? Anong masama ru'n?
HARRY: Ang masama ru'n... twins kami! Twins!
MAN2: bakit, ano ba ang trabaho mo pare?
MAN1: embalsamador!
————
NURSE: nasa isip mo ba pamilya mo?
BALIW: siyempre man! OO!
[Nurse natuwa..]
NURSE: asan ba pamilya mo?
BALIW: nasa isip ko. Tanga ba you?
————
Si Mister nakita 3 butil ng bigas at 25pesos sa drawer ni Misis.
MR: ano to?
MRS: uhm honey, magtatapat na ko. Tuwing nagtataksil ako sayo naglalagay ako ng 1 butil ng bigas sa drawer.
MR: eh ano yang 25pesos?
MRS: nung naging 1 kilo ang bigas, binenta ko na. Sayang eh!
________
Kinuha ng isang Kanong Pari si Pacquiao as interpreter. .
Pari: The Lord was crucified between 2 robbers.
Pac: Si Hesus ay ipinako s gitna ng 2 goma.
Pari: We need to sacrifice.
Pac: Kailangan natin ng 2 sakong bigas.
Pari: If we do not repent,
Pac: Kapag hindi natin pininturahang muli,
Pari: Thewrath of God will come upon you.
Pac: Ang mga daga ng Diyos ay pupunta sayo.(nagtawanan)
Pari: Well.. Well..
Pac: Balon.. Balon..
____________
a nUrse came 2 vsit hs 3 mental patients
P1:(ngbbsa ng encyclopedia)
N:wow! improvng ka! dts gud.
P2:(ngbbsa ng dictionry)
N:cool! ipgp2loy mo lng yn.
P3:(nktyo s mesa w/arms wide open) "aq ang ilaw!"
N:hoy! bumba k nga jn. bka mhulog k. wla k p dn pgbbgo.(naupo c P3 s upuan)
P1 & P2: ay, brownout?
____________ _____
JOSE: Kumusta ang assignment?
RICK: Masama. Wala akong nasagutan. Blank paper ang ipinasa ko.
JOSE: Naku, ako rin! Paano 'yan? Baka isipin
nila, nagkopyahan tayo?!
------------ -----
TOTO: Pangarap ko, kumita ng P250,000 monthly gaya ni daddy!
JOVY: Wow! Ganyan kalaki ang kinikita ng daddy mo?
TOTO: Hindi! 'Yan din ang pangarap niya!
------------ -----
DOK: May taning na ang buhay mo.
JUAN: Wala na bang pag-asa? Ano po ba ang dapat kong gawin?
DOK: Mag-asawa ka na lang ng pangit at bungangera.
JUAN: Bakit, gagaling po ba ako ru'n?
DOK: Hindi, pero mas gugustuhin mo pang mamatay kesa mabuhay!
------------ ----
LITO: Pare, ano ba ang kaibahan ng H2O sa CO2?
JOSE: Diyos ko naman! Di mo ba alam 'yun?!
Ang H2O ay water! At ang CO2... COLD water.
------------ -----
”Gustong malaman ng magkaibigan kung may basketbolan sa langit.
Nagkasundo sila na kung sino ang unang mamatay ay babalik upang
sabihin kung may basketbol sa langit.
Naunang namatay si Dado.”
Isang gabi, may narinig na boses si Rodel na parang kay Dado.
"Ikaw ba 'yan, Dado?" usisa ni Rodel.
"Oo naman!" tugon ni Dado.
"Parang hindi totoo!" bulalas ni Rodel."O,ano, meron bang
basketball sa langit?"
Sagot ni Dado, "May maganda at masama akong
balita sa 'yo. Ang maganda, may basketbol doon. Ang masama...
kasali ka sa makakalaban namin bukas!" (ngek!)
------------ -----
Usapan ng dalawang bata...
JUNJUN: Magaling ang tatay ko! Alam mo'yang
Pacific Ocean , siya ang humukay nun!
PEDRO: Wala 'yan sa tatay ko! Alam mo yung Dead Sea ?
JUNJUN: Oo...
PEDRO: Siya ang pumatay nun!
------------ -----
STEWARDEES: Do you want a drink, sir?
SIR: What are my choices?
STEWARDEES: Yes or No.
------------ -----
MISIS: Hindi ko na kaya 'to! Araw-araw nalang tayong nag-aaway
Mabuti pa, umalis na ako sa bahay na 'to!
MISTER: Ako rin, sawang-sawa na! Away rito,away roon! Mabuti pa
siguro, sumama na ako sa 'yo!
------------ -----
Misis: Delayed ako nang one month pero huwag mo munang
ipagsabi.Nahihiya ako...
Mister: Okey.
(Kinabukasan, dumating Collector ng Meralco.) ..
COLLECTOR: Misis, delayed po kayo ng one month.
MISIS: Ha? Bakit mo alam?
COLLECTOR: Nasa record po.
MISTER: Bakit Naka-record diyan na delayed ang misis ko?
COLLECTOR: Kung gusto ninyong mawala sarecord, magbayad kayo!
MISTER: Eh kung ayokong magbayad?
COLLECTOR: Puputulan kayo!
MISTER: Eh anong gagamitin ni misis?
COLLECTOR: Pwede naman siyang gumamit ng kandila.
------------ -----
Advantage at disadvantage ng may-asawa...
ADVANTAGE: 'Pag kailangan mo, nandiyan agad.
DISADVANTAGE: 'Pag ayaw mo na, andiyan parin!
------------ -----
TANONG: What is the difference between a girlfriend,a call girl and a wife?
SAGOT: Post paid, pre paid, unlimited.
------------ -----
Sa isang classroom...
TITSER: Class, what is ETHICS?
PETER: Etiks are smaller than ducks.
TITSER: Okey, that duck will lay an egg in your card.
------------ -----
JUAN: Pare, noong mayaman pa kami, nagkakamay
kaming kumain. Ngayongmahirap na kami, nakakutsara na.
PEDRO: Baligtad yata?
JUAN: Mahirap kamayin ang lugaw, pare!
------------ -----
ANAK: Itay, nagpapatanong si ma'am kung ano raw ang propesyon mo.
TATAY: Sabihin mo, cardiologist.
ANAK: Ano po ba ang cardiologist, Itay?
TATAY:'Yung taga-ayos ng radio sa car!
------------ -----
”Umuwi si mister nang 4:00 AM at nakita niya ang
kanyang misis na may katalik na lalaki sa kama”...
Misis: (sumigaw) SAAN KA GALING?!
Mister: Sino 'yang katabi mo?
Misis: GRABE KA! HUWAG MONG IBAHIN ANG USAPAN!
------------ -----
ROD: Bakit bad trip ka?
HARRY: Nagtampo sa 'kin ang utol ko.
ROD: Bakit naman?
HARRY: Nakalimutan ko kasi ang birthday niya.
ROD: 'Yun lang? Anong masama ru'n?
HARRY: Ang masama ru'n... twins kami! Twins!
Labels:
funny,
pinoy jokes,
tagalog
Job at the FBI
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'
MORAL LESSON:
Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
Classification: UNCLASSIFIED
Caveats: NONE
Classification: UNCLASSIFIED
Caveats: NONE
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'
MORAL LESSON:
Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
Classification: UNCLASSIFIED
Caveats: NONE
Classification: UNCLASSIFIED
Caveats: NONE
Just think about it
Drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Some people leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put their useless junk in the garage.
We use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin means 'many' and 'tics' means 'bloodsucking creatures'.
Ever wonder ....
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why we don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Some people leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put their useless junk in the garage.
We use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin means 'many' and 'tics' means 'bloodsucking creatures'.
Ever wonder ....
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why we don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Coffe
A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.
Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite – telling them to help themselves to hot coffee.
When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for each of you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups and were eyeing each other’s cups. Now if life is coffee, then the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, but the quality of Life doesn't change. Some times, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee in it."
So, don't let the cups drive you... enjoy the coffee instead.
Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite – telling them to help themselves to hot coffee.
When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for each of you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups and were eyeing each other’s cups. Now if life is coffee, then the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, but the quality of Life doesn't change. Some times, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee in it."
So, don't let the cups drive you... enjoy the coffee instead.
Dating Advice: Top 10 Relationship Tips
Beginning a relationship is generally the easy part; It's maintaining the connection that gets a little tricky. That's why a growing number of twosomes (whether or not they've tied the knot) are going into couples therapy as a preemptive strike against the tough times that will inevitably hit... and to learn how to keep the good times flowing. To give you a leg up in your love life, we asked the country's top relationship experts to share the most crucial things they've uncovered over the years -- from big-picture philosophies to little gestures that go a long way. These practices will help keep your union in a happy, healthy place.
1. Act Out of Character.
Couples develop a particular dynamic: the way they relate to each other that repeats itself over and over. If you break that pattern and act against type -- in a positive way -- you inject new life into the relationship. For example, if you always get angry at your guy when he doesn't follow through on some chore, try addressing him in a nicer, more friendly tone, then thank him when he does a good job. It works every time. -- Toni Coleman, psychotherapist and relationship coach in McLean, Virginia
2. Get in Touch a Lot.
No doubt you hug and kiss each other. But simple acts like stroking his arm while you're watching TV and taking his hand when you're walking down the street are also ways to bond. Touching your partner throughout the day triggers your feel-good hormones, which reinforces your affection and makes you feel closer on an instinctive level. -- Psychotherapist Barton Goldsmith, PhD, author of "Emotional Fitness for Couples"
3. Take Turns Talking.
To make sure you both get a chance to state what's on your mind during a disagreement -- and get your points across -- alternate playing reflective therapist, where one listens while the other talks. -- Psychologist Diana Kirschner, PhD, author of "Opening Love's Door"
4. Find the Intersection.
When making decisions together, try to find common ground. You each should write down exactly what you want. Let's say you're angling for a vacay in San Francisco to see the sights and hit up the cool shops and restaurants, while he wants a tropical getaway where he can veg out by the pool and sip drinks with umbrellas in the glass. Now that your desires are clearly laid out on paper, you can pick a place that will satisfy both your needs. A cool city, a little sun... how about Miami? -- Paul Dobransky, MD, author of "The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love"
5. Be More Positive Than Negative.
There's a more effective way to air grievances than to file an angry complaint. Sandwich your negative comment between two positives. If you want to complain about how he's always late, for example, try something like "You know, I love that you're so laid-back and easygoing, but it really bothers me when you show up so late. I'm sure you can still be the fun guy I adore and also be on time." -- Los Angeles psychologist Yvonne Thomas, PhD
6. Echo Each Other.
When you and your man are having a serious relationship talk, it's easy to get so caught up in how you want to respond that you're not really listening to what's being said. That's why it's important for both of you to repeat each other: so you know you've been heard and you feel understood. -- Yvonne Thomas
7. Take a Time-Out.
Neither of you is perfect, and the quirks you both have are here to stay. So rather than let those annoying traits work your last nerve, try to get in touch with the upside of those particular flaws, even if it's not immediately recognizable. Instead of getting annoyed when he starts screaming at the TV, for example, remind yourself how much you love his passion. Or if his shyness with new people bugs you, think about how refreshing it is to be with a chill, genuine guy rather than a blowhard who needs to chat with everyone in the room. -- Denver psychologist Jennifer Oikle, PhD, dating coach for Coupling Connection
8. Have His Back.
You might not agree with your guy when he's had a riff with a friend or he thinks his boss is being unfair, but you should always be on his side... and vice versa. Otherwise, you'll both feel like you can't count on each other. That doesn't mean you have to take the "you're so right" route all the time. Just hear him out, and let him know that you'll support him no matter what. -- New York City psychotherapist JoAnn Magdoff, PhD
9. Spend a Little Money on Each Other.
You don't have to wait for a special occasion to give small presents to show your love. In fact, gifts are more fun -- and meaningful -- when they're not expected. Try to get into the habit of exchanging sweet tokens of appreciation for no particular reason. Don't go and blow your paycheck though. It's not about being extravagant; it's just a way of showing that you really get -- and think about -- each other. Maybe you buy him a tee of his favorite band that you saw on sale or he gets you a pair of pajamas in your favorite color. -- Barton Goldsmith
10. Be a Good Date.
Face it, no one can stay fascinating forever. After being together for a while, the initial excitement fades, and your guy can start to get kind of boring sometimes. Hey, don't think you're off the hook -- if you're feeling a little ho-hum about him, the feeling is likely mutual! To combat the blahs, take turns coming up with an interesting date idea every month. Keep the time and details to yourself, and try to think outside the box -- dinner and a movie is not exactly innovative. An awesome concert or a snowboarding lesson, for example, is a much less predictable treat. -- Jennifer Oikle
1. Act Out of Character.
Couples develop a particular dynamic: the way they relate to each other that repeats itself over and over. If you break that pattern and act against type -- in a positive way -- you inject new life into the relationship. For example, if you always get angry at your guy when he doesn't follow through on some chore, try addressing him in a nicer, more friendly tone, then thank him when he does a good job. It works every time. -- Toni Coleman, psychotherapist and relationship coach in McLean, Virginia
2. Get in Touch a Lot.
No doubt you hug and kiss each other. But simple acts like stroking his arm while you're watching TV and taking his hand when you're walking down the street are also ways to bond. Touching your partner throughout the day triggers your feel-good hormones, which reinforces your affection and makes you feel closer on an instinctive level. -- Psychotherapist Barton Goldsmith, PhD, author of "Emotional Fitness for Couples"
3. Take Turns Talking.
To make sure you both get a chance to state what's on your mind during a disagreement -- and get your points across -- alternate playing reflective therapist, where one listens while the other talks. -- Psychologist Diana Kirschner, PhD, author of "Opening Love's Door"
4. Find the Intersection.
When making decisions together, try to find common ground. You each should write down exactly what you want. Let's say you're angling for a vacay in San Francisco to see the sights and hit up the cool shops and restaurants, while he wants a tropical getaway where he can veg out by the pool and sip drinks with umbrellas in the glass. Now that your desires are clearly laid out on paper, you can pick a place that will satisfy both your needs. A cool city, a little sun... how about Miami? -- Paul Dobransky, MD, author of "The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love"
5. Be More Positive Than Negative.
There's a more effective way to air grievances than to file an angry complaint. Sandwich your negative comment between two positives. If you want to complain about how he's always late, for example, try something like "You know, I love that you're so laid-back and easygoing, but it really bothers me when you show up so late. I'm sure you can still be the fun guy I adore and also be on time." -- Los Angeles psychologist Yvonne Thomas, PhD
6. Echo Each Other.
When you and your man are having a serious relationship talk, it's easy to get so caught up in how you want to respond that you're not really listening to what's being said. That's why it's important for both of you to repeat each other: so you know you've been heard and you feel understood. -- Yvonne Thomas
7. Take a Time-Out.
Neither of you is perfect, and the quirks you both have are here to stay. So rather than let those annoying traits work your last nerve, try to get in touch with the upside of those particular flaws, even if it's not immediately recognizable. Instead of getting annoyed when he starts screaming at the TV, for example, remind yourself how much you love his passion. Or if his shyness with new people bugs you, think about how refreshing it is to be with a chill, genuine guy rather than a blowhard who needs to chat with everyone in the room. -- Denver psychologist Jennifer Oikle, PhD, dating coach for Coupling Connection
8. Have His Back.
You might not agree with your guy when he's had a riff with a friend or he thinks his boss is being unfair, but you should always be on his side... and vice versa. Otherwise, you'll both feel like you can't count on each other. That doesn't mean you have to take the "you're so right" route all the time. Just hear him out, and let him know that you'll support him no matter what. -- New York City psychotherapist JoAnn Magdoff, PhD
9. Spend a Little Money on Each Other.
You don't have to wait for a special occasion to give small presents to show your love. In fact, gifts are more fun -- and meaningful -- when they're not expected. Try to get into the habit of exchanging sweet tokens of appreciation for no particular reason. Don't go and blow your paycheck though. It's not about being extravagant; it's just a way of showing that you really get -- and think about -- each other. Maybe you buy him a tee of his favorite band that you saw on sale or he gets you a pair of pajamas in your favorite color. -- Barton Goldsmith
10. Be a Good Date.
Face it, no one can stay fascinating forever. After being together for a while, the initial excitement fades, and your guy can start to get kind of boring sometimes. Hey, don't think you're off the hook -- if you're feeling a little ho-hum about him, the feeling is likely mutual! To combat the blahs, take turns coming up with an interesting date idea every month. Keep the time and details to yourself, and try to think outside the box -- dinner and a movie is not exactly innovative. An awesome concert or a snowboarding lesson, for example, is a much less predictable treat. -- Jennifer Oikle
Labels:
advice,
relationship,
tips
Tips for Happy Marriage
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is inTucson.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.Then she said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me "In the Lake."
8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is inTucson.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.Then she said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me "In the Lake."
8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"
Optical Illusion
Click the link below and follow the instruction. The optical illusion is crazy.
http://www.johnsadowski.com/big_spanish_castle.html
http://www.johnsadowski.com/big_spanish_castle.html
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interesting,
optical illusion,
website
Laws of Nature
1. Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
2. Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Kovac's Conundrum:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.
4. Cannon's Karmic Law:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
5. O'brien's Variation Law:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
6. Bell's Theorem
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
7. Ruby's Principle of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
8. Willoughby's Law
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
9. Zadra's Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
10. Breda's Rule
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
11. Owen's Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something, which will last until the coffee is cold.
12. Howden's Law
You remember you have to mail a letter only when you're near the mailbox.
13. Gentlemen's Law
When you see a beautiful young girl, either she is married or you are married.
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
2. Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Kovac's Conundrum:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.
4. Cannon's Karmic Law:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
5. O'brien's Variation Law:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
6. Bell's Theorem
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
7. Ruby's Principle of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
8. Willoughby's Law
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
9. Zadra's Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
10. Breda's Rule
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
11. Owen's Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something, which will last until the coffee is cold.
12. Howden's Law
You remember you have to mail a letter only when you're near the mailbox.
13. Gentlemen's Law
When you see a beautiful young girl, either she is married or you are married.
Life's Principles
TRUST is a very important factor for all relationships. When trust is broken, it is the end of the relationship. Lack of trust leads to suspicion, suspicion generates anger, anger causes enmity and enmity may result in separation.
A female telephone operator received a phone call one day. She answered, "Public Utilities Board." There was silence. She repeated, "PUB." There was still no answer. When she was going to cut off the line, she heard a lady's voice, "Oh, so this is PUB.Sorry, I got the number from my husband's pocket but I do not know whose number it is."
Without mutual trust, just imagine what will happen to the couple if the telephone operator answered with just "hello" instead of "PUB".
____
N O POINTING FINGERS
A man asked his father-in-law, "Many people praised you for a successful marriage. Could you please share with me your secret?"
The father-in-law answered in a smile, "Never criticize your wife for her shortcomings or when she does something wrong. Always bear in mind that because of her shortcomings and weaknesses, she could not find a better husband than you."
We all look forward to being loved and respected. Many people are afraid of losing face. Generally, when a person makes a mistake, he would look around to find a scapegoat to point the finger at. This is the start of a war. We should always remember that when we point one finger at a person, the other four fingers are pointing at ourselves.
If we forgive the others, others will ignore our mistake too.
______
C REATING PERFECT RELATIONSHIPS?
A person visited the government matchmaker for marriage, SDU, and requested "I am looking for a spouse. Please help me to find a suitable one." The SDU officer said, "Your requirements, please." "Oh, good looking, polite, humorous , sporty, knowledgeable, good in singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest." The officer listened carefully and replied, "I understand you need television."
There is a saying that a perfect match can only be found between a blind wife and a deaf husband ,because the blind wife cannot see the faults of the husband and the deaf husband cannot hear the nagging of the wife. Many couples are blind and deaf at the courting stage and dream of perpetual perfect relationship. Unfortunately, when the excitement of love wears off, they wake up and discover that marriage is not a bed of roses. The nightmare begins.
_____
N O OVERPOWERING
Many relationships fail because one party tries to overpower another,or demands too much. People in love tend to think that love will conquer all and their spouses will change the bad habits after marriage. Actually, this is not the case. There is a Chinese saying which carries the meaning that "It is easier to reshape a mountain or a river than a person's character."
It is not easy to change. Thus, having high expectation on changing the spouse character will cause disappointment and unpleasantness.
It would be less painful to change ourselves and lower our expectations..
_____
RIGHT SPEECH
There is a Chinese saying which carries the meaning that "A speech will either prosper or ruin a nation." Many relationships break off because of wrong speech. When a couple is too close with each other,we always forget mutual respect and courtesy. We may say anything without considering if it would hurt the other party.
A friend and her millionaire husband visited their construction site. A worker who wore a helmet saw her and shouted,"Hi, Emily! Remember me? We used to date in the secondary school." On the way home, her millionaire husband teased her, "Luckily you married me.Otherwise you will be the wife of a construction worker." She answered ,"You should appreciate that you married me. Otherwise, he will be the millionaire and not you."
Frequently exchanging these remarks plants the seed for a bad relationship. It's like a broken egg - cannot be reversed.
____
P ERSONAL PERCEPTION
Different people have different perception. One man's meat could be another man's poison. A couple bought a donkey from the market. On the way home,a boy commented, "Very stupid. Why neither of them ride on the donkey?"Upon hearing that, the husband let the wife ride on the donkey. He walked besides them. Later, an old man saw it and commented, "The husband is the head of family. How can the wife ride on the donkey while the husband is on foot?" Hearing this, the wife quickly got down and let the husband ride on the donkey.
Further on the way home, they met an old Lady. She commented, "How can the man ride on the donkey but let the wife walk. He is no gentleman." The husband thus quickly asked the wife to join him on the donkey. Then, they met a young man. He commented, "Poor donkey, how can you hold up the weight of two persons. They are cruel to you." Hearing that, the husband and wife immediately climbed down from the donkey and carried it on their shoulders.
It seems to be the only choice left. Later, on a narrow bridge, the donkey was frightened and struggled. They lost their balance and fell into the river. You can never have everyone praise you, nor will everyone condemn you. Never in the past, not at present, and never will be in the future.
Thus, do not be too bothered by others words if our conscience is clear..
_____
B E PATIENT
This is a true story which happened in the States. A man came out of his home to admire his new truck. To his puzzlement, his three-year-old son was happily hammering dents into the shiny paint of the truck. The man ran to his son, knocked him away, bashed the little boy's hands into near pulp as punishment. When the father calmed down, he rushed his son to the hospital..
Although the doctor tried desperately to save the crushed bones, he finally had to amputate the fingers from both the boy's hands. When the boy woke up from the surgery & saw his bandaged stubs, he innocently said, " Daddy,I'm sorry about your truck." Then he asked, "but when are my fingers going to grow back?" (The boy actually was writing "i love you daddy" on the truck. The father went home & attempted suicide.
Think about this story the next time someone steps on your feet or u wish to take revenge. Think first before u lose your patience with someone u love. Trucks can be repaired.. Broken bones & hurt feelings often can't. Too often we fail to recognize the difference between the person and the performance. We forget that forgiveness is greater than revenge.
People make mistakes. We are allowed to make mistakes. But the actions we take while in a rage will haunt us forever.
A female telephone operator received a phone call one day. She answered, "Public Utilities Board." There was silence. She repeated, "PUB." There was still no answer. When she was going to cut off the line, she heard a lady's voice, "Oh, so this is PUB.Sorry, I got the number from my husband's pocket but I do not know whose number it is."
Without mutual trust, just imagine what will happen to the couple if the telephone operator answered with just "hello" instead of "PUB".
____
N O POINTING FINGERS
A man asked his father-in-law, "Many people praised you for a successful marriage. Could you please share with me your secret?"
The father-in-law answered in a smile, "Never criticize your wife for her shortcomings or when she does something wrong. Always bear in mind that because of her shortcomings and weaknesses, she could not find a better husband than you."
We all look forward to being loved and respected. Many people are afraid of losing face. Generally, when a person makes a mistake, he would look around to find a scapegoat to point the finger at. This is the start of a war. We should always remember that when we point one finger at a person, the other four fingers are pointing at ourselves.
If we forgive the others, others will ignore our mistake too.
______
C REATING PERFECT RELATIONSHIPS?
A person visited the government matchmaker for marriage, SDU, and requested "I am looking for a spouse. Please help me to find a suitable one." The SDU officer said, "Your requirements, please." "Oh, good looking, polite, humorous , sporty, knowledgeable, good in singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest." The officer listened carefully and replied, "I understand you need television."
There is a saying that a perfect match can only be found between a blind wife and a deaf husband ,because the blind wife cannot see the faults of the husband and the deaf husband cannot hear the nagging of the wife. Many couples are blind and deaf at the courting stage and dream of perpetual perfect relationship. Unfortunately, when the excitement of love wears off, they wake up and discover that marriage is not a bed of roses. The nightmare begins.
_____
N O OVERPOWERING
Many relationships fail because one party tries to overpower another,or demands too much. People in love tend to think that love will conquer all and their spouses will change the bad habits after marriage. Actually, this is not the case. There is a Chinese saying which carries the meaning that "It is easier to reshape a mountain or a river than a person's character."
It is not easy to change. Thus, having high expectation on changing the spouse character will cause disappointment and unpleasantness.
It would be less painful to change ourselves and lower our expectations..
_____
RIGHT SPEECH
There is a Chinese saying which carries the meaning that "A speech will either prosper or ruin a nation." Many relationships break off because of wrong speech. When a couple is too close with each other,we always forget mutual respect and courtesy. We may say anything without considering if it would hurt the other party.
A friend and her millionaire husband visited their construction site. A worker who wore a helmet saw her and shouted,"Hi, Emily! Remember me? We used to date in the secondary school." On the way home, her millionaire husband teased her, "Luckily you married me.Otherwise you will be the wife of a construction worker." She answered ,"You should appreciate that you married me. Otherwise, he will be the millionaire and not you."
Frequently exchanging these remarks plants the seed for a bad relationship. It's like a broken egg - cannot be reversed.
____
P ERSONAL PERCEPTION
Different people have different perception. One man's meat could be another man's poison. A couple bought a donkey from the market. On the way home,a boy commented, "Very stupid. Why neither of them ride on the donkey?"Upon hearing that, the husband let the wife ride on the donkey. He walked besides them. Later, an old man saw it and commented, "The husband is the head of family. How can the wife ride on the donkey while the husband is on foot?" Hearing this, the wife quickly got down and let the husband ride on the donkey.
Further on the way home, they met an old Lady. She commented, "How can the man ride on the donkey but let the wife walk. He is no gentleman." The husband thus quickly asked the wife to join him on the donkey. Then, they met a young man. He commented, "Poor donkey, how can you hold up the weight of two persons. They are cruel to you." Hearing that, the husband and wife immediately climbed down from the donkey and carried it on their shoulders.
It seems to be the only choice left. Later, on a narrow bridge, the donkey was frightened and struggled. They lost their balance and fell into the river. You can never have everyone praise you, nor will everyone condemn you. Never in the past, not at present, and never will be in the future.
Thus, do not be too bothered by others words if our conscience is clear..
_____
B E PATIENT
This is a true story which happened in the States. A man came out of his home to admire his new truck. To his puzzlement, his three-year-old son was happily hammering dents into the shiny paint of the truck. The man ran to his son, knocked him away, bashed the little boy's hands into near pulp as punishment. When the father calmed down, he rushed his son to the hospital..
Although the doctor tried desperately to save the crushed bones, he finally had to amputate the fingers from both the boy's hands. When the boy woke up from the surgery & saw his bandaged stubs, he innocently said, " Daddy,I'm sorry about your truck." Then he asked, "but when are my fingers going to grow back?" (The boy actually was writing "i love you daddy" on the truck. The father went home & attempted suicide.
Think about this story the next time someone steps on your feet or u wish to take revenge. Think first before u lose your patience with someone u love. Trucks can be repaired.. Broken bones & hurt feelings often can't. Too often we fail to recognize the difference between the person and the performance. We forget that forgiveness is greater than revenge.
People make mistakes. We are allowed to make mistakes. But the actions we take while in a rage will haunt us forever.
Labels:
advice,
inspirational,
life
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